


Lingering Pain

by ml101



Category: Stargate Universe
Genre: Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-06-01 00:42:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6494107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ml101/pseuds/ml101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place between Intervention Pt. 3 and Aftermath (2x1 and 2x2). Dr. Nicholas Rush was fine. Sure he was tortured for who knows how long by the Lucian Alliance. But he had important things that occupied his mind with Destiny and the people on it in danger. But now that things have calmed down...the pain lingered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Because Rush's torture had an effect on him and I wish the show had addressed it. A small rewrite of canon would be that the Alliance people on board were allowed the freedom to go to the mess hall but that was about it.

 

Things were back to normal...or would be normal in Destiny. A lot of things had transpired during the Lucian Alliance's takeover of the ship. Eli made his way to the Interface Room or as he called it the 'Apple Core' to do some work and was not at all surprised to see Dr. Rush already there.

"Dr. Rush, TJ wanted me to remind you that she needs to look you over," said Eli but the scientist did not acknowledge what he said and Eli just shrugged his shoulders and went to work.

They worked in silence for quite some time until Eli felt hungry. He stopped to look at Dr. Rush and even contemplated if he should ask if the man was hungry or not but thought better of it. Rush might just bite his head off for disturbing him.

"I'm just gonna grab some chow Dr. Rush," said Eli as he left the room. The scientist not giving him any attention whatsoever and Eli shrugged and left.

Rush continued to work but then a sharp pain erupted from his chest and he could hardly breathe. He collapsed on the floor writing in the pain. Memories of his torture coming through his vision. And then it stopped, Rush remained on the floor panting. It was like he was back there, enduring the torture once again.

He straightened up and shook his head. That was a one time, episode. It won't happen again.

* * *

Being allowed to go the mess hall was the only thing that Colonel Young allowed the remaining members of the Lucian Alliance to do in the vast ship. Varro would give anything to roam around and explore the ship but he had to play by the SGC's rules.

Varro turned and was surprised to see Rush eating. If what he had overheard from other people aboard Destiny was true, Rush never did eat until he was forced too but there he was. Varro took one look closely at the man and realized what was up. Kiva did use the Pulser on him a lot. It was bound to have side effects, especially since no one has endured the device for that long. No one that is until Rush.

"You ok?" asked Varro, as he took the seat in front of Rush. "You have to tell your medic if you're feeling side effects."

Rush looked up at him sharply, prompting him to continue. "The device she used on you. We call it the Pulser. It's similar to the Rod of Anguish used by the Goa'uld but enhanced. It sends a pulse if you will to your brain, signaling pain. Used too much, the command might linger and your brain might just make you feel the pulse of pain over and over again."

"How long?" asked Rush.

"Nobody has endured for as long as you have," said Varro. "The adrenaline of the past days must have drowned out the pulse to your brain but with things calming down, the pulse in your neurons might still be present. You may experience it for weeks."

"Can I avoid it?" asked Rush, his voice barely above whisper and Varro didn't like that. From what he knew, Rush was going to deal with this by himself and that was not good.

"Try not to stress yourself out," said Varro. "But I would advise you rest for the next couple of days. Who knows what might trigger your neurons again."

"So you're saying the only thing I can do is to wait this out?" asked Rush, a little annoyance showing on his face. "I have a lot of things to do."

"The more you fight this, the longer it might affect you," said Varro. "No one really knows what the concrete side effects of the Pulser are but there are side effects, lingering effects. They did a number on you with it."

"Why did I pass out the first time?" asked Rush and Varro knew he was trying to understand more about the weapon used on him.

"The Pulser has levels if you will," said Varro. "The first time it was used on you; it was set to a higher level. You know how people pass out from too much pain. The next time was still a high level but one that would inflict the utmost pain with you remaining conscious."

"And when Kiva said that it could eventually kill me?" prompted Rush.

"It's because there was a lethal level to the device," answered Varro. "A level that could kill."

Rush remained silent for a while, studying his cup. "Thank you for the input." He then stood to leave but Varro grabbed his wrist.

"Rush, you need to mention this to someone," said Varro.

"I can handle it," said Rush and he left the mess hall.

* * *

 

TJ shouldn't be surprised that Rush never went to see her in the infirmary. She shouldn't be surprised that the last time any of the Science Team saw him was when he was working in the Interface Room. TJ was surprised to see the stubborn man, sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall.

"Dr. Rush are you ok?" asked TJ immediately kneeling by his side.

"Yes," came the quick reply and by his tone of voice TJ breathed a sigh of relief. Rush was annoyed and his voice didn't lose the tone of it, meaning he was just ok.

"May I ask why you are on the floor then?" asked TJ, standing up and Rush following suit.

"Trying a different perspective," answered Rush and TJ raised a speculative eyebrow but Rush just went back to the controls.

"You need to let me check you," said TJ. Sure it had been days since the Lucian Alliance had tried taking over Destiny and any effects of what was done to him might have already passed but TJ just wanted to make sure. "I'm sorry I haven't done sooner."

"You needed your rest, Lieutenant," said Rush, not looking up from his monitor. "As you can see, I'm fine. No need to worry. I'm sure you have other patients."

TJ made to reply but Rush's attention was on the monitor and she just sighed and left the room. As soon as he could no longer hear her footsteps, Rush slumped back down on the ground. The pain lasted longer this time and if he hadn't heard TJ coming, he wouldn't have been able to control his breathing.

He sighed and got up. Maybe he needed to heed Varro's advice and take it easy. Most of the people on board would probably be eating dinner about now, so nobody will see him slip out and head to his room. A night's sleep might just be the thing he needed.

But apparently a night's sleep wasn't the thing he needed, nightmares plagued him. It was like the second he closed his eyes, he was back on that ship with Kiva standing over him as her henchmen used the Pulser on him. He would scream in agony and he thought you couldn't feel pain in nightmares. Why did everything hurt so much?

He sat up on his bed, fully awake and gasping for air. Rush rubbed his tired eyes. He was back on Destiny. He was safe. Kiva was dead and her henchman wasn't going to use the device on him anymore. His hand subconsciously went to his chest and he felt his heart trying to beat out of his chest. He tried to steady his breathing, tried to calm his nerves and after a few more minutes managed to do so.

Going back to sleep was out of the question. So Rush swung his legs over the edge of his bed and rubbed a tired hand over his face. He wasn't going to get any sleep so might as well get some work done. He got up and dressed and headed back to the Apple Core.

* * *

 

"Why am I still surprised?" thought Young as he entered the Control Interface Room and found Rush still working. He looked at his watch and it was half past one in the morning.

"Rush, whatever work it is," began Young. "It can wait until regular hours. You need to sleep."

"And if something happens while all of us are asleep, Colonel?" asked Rush, without looking up from his console.

"Then we'll wake you," said Young, not backing down. "Look, we've had a rough couple of weeks. Everyone, most especially you, has earned some little down time."

"There is no downtime until we get home," said Rush, without missing a beat and that took Young by surprise. Most of the people on the ship thought that Rush preferred to stay on Destiny rather than go back home but they didn't know some personal things about Rush like he did. The personnel file were some of the things that surprised Young to have survived their exodus from base. Young only did give it a thorough read after the events with the Nakai but it revealed a certain side to the scientist to Young that he would never have gotten from the man in question.

"Rush…" began Young again but he couldn't form any sentence at all. What was he suppose to say? Back in Icarus, the man had two choices, try to dial Earth and risk everyone there or try dialing the 9th Chevron and pray they could land somewhere safe, making sure Earth was in one piece.

"Fine," said Rush, typing some last bits into his console. "I ran a diagnostic to all drives on the ship. That will probably keep us all right for you all to have your peace and quiet." He pocketed his notebook and brushed passed Young. "Pleasant dreams."

"Rush," called Young just as the man reached the hallway. Thankfully, the scientist stopped but did not turn around. "I mean it. Take it easy. We deserve the peace and quiet, especially after what the Lucian Alliance did to you."

Rush snorted and wheeled around to face the colonel. So that was what it was. The colonel was fishing. "Is that it? Or are you trying to look for a sign that I've gone traitor as well like Telford?"

Young remained silent as Rush walked forward and stopped directly in front of him. "You want to know if they didn't brainwash me while I was in Telford's body well for your information Colonel, that wouldn't have worked because the physical brain that they would be experimenting on was already brainwashed."

"Look, I'm not fishing for anything," said Young. "But we don't know what they did to you and you won't let TJ examine you for-"

"Oh you want to know what they did me?" Rush practically shouted. "They only tortured me because I wouldn't tell them who I was."

Young's eyes widened. "Why didn't you tell them immediately?"

"Because I was buying you some bloody time!" replied Rush as he could here people scrambling to where the two of them were standing. "I wasn't sure you got whatever information you needed from Telford to rescue me and I wasn't going to rely on pure luck. And it worked didn't it?" Rush moved closer and got into Young's face. "When I managed to dial the gate, you were prepared but that didn't do any of us good now did it."

He shoved Young and turned to head back to his room. Young was momentarily stunned but got his bearings immediately and walked briskly and manage to catch up to Rush and put a hand on the scientist's shoulder which the man immediately shrugged off.

"I'm sorry that happened Rush." began Young but stood his ground. "But you said you knew the risks."

"Oh so getting tortured by the Alliance was my fault," replied Rush dryly.

Young could only stare, not having anything to reply to that. Rush turned to leave but the colonel grabbed his arm again. "Look, all the more reason why TJ should look at you," began Young. "Come on, we don't know what lasting effects whatever the Lucian-"

"Oh you since when do you care," said Rush, whipping around to face him. "You never cared when you left me on that planet by myself. You didn't care about my wellbeing at all when you ordered TJ to open my chest to get the bloody tracker out."

"There was no other way," tried to argue Young but Rush cut him off. "Those aliens were on us-"

"No you didn't look for another way because you already had one option and I was the only one who was going to get hurt but that's alright because you hated me so no setbacks there," hissed Rush. "It was ok if it was only me who was going to get hurt because you didn't bloody care!"

"I care about everybody on this ship." countered Young.

"No you only care about people who follow orders and don't question your authority," fired back Rush as he grabbed Young by the front of his uniform. "If it were Scott or Greer who had gotten the dream and volunteered for that mission, you would have gotten them out as soon as Kiva had taken them but no because it happened to me, you placed all your effort in clearing Telford's name."

Rush wanted t say more but pain exploded in his chest and the next thing he knew the colonel's arms were around him, supporting his weight.

"Rush?" The colonel's voice was fading.

"Rush!" Why were the walls of Destiny suddenly a different color?

" _I would really prefer not to have to do this."_

_Rush screamed in agony as the device was held close to his chest and he vaguely saw a stream of red electricity coming from the device and going into his chest as the pain engulfed him and all he could do was shut his eyes and scream._

" _I wish I had time to convince you that I am not what you think I am."_

_The pain finally stopped and Rush tried to catch his breath, trying to understand where he was or what has happened. No, as realization dawned on him. He was back on the Lucian Alliance ship…Kiva standing over him..._

" _Unfortunately, I've learned one thing about torture over the years, it's…effective."_

_Pain erupted all over and he could no longer tell which part of his body made contact with the device. Everything hurt and there was nothing he could but scream._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm mixing medical fact and medical fiction with this story so please understand :)

"Rush!"

The smaller man was shaking and breathing like he had just emerged from underwater for a very long time. His eyes were closed but his brow was creased in obvious pain.

"Rush!" shouted Young again as he gently laid the shaking man to the floor. He immediately checked for a pulse and was surprised to find out his heart was racing. He fished out his radio. "Scott, Greer, TJ. Get to the Control Room, NOW!"

He wasn't surprised that it was TJ that got there first and immediately knelt by Rush's side as soon as she saw them.

"What happened?" asked TJ but she didn't look the colonel's way. TJ immediately checked Rush's pulse and her hand felt for a fever. Rush was still shaking, breathing hard and still had the pained expression on his face.

"We were talking and he just suddenly fell," explained Young as Scott and Greer arrived.

"Infirmary, now!" ordered TJ and Scott and Greer carried rush to the infirmary where they laid him on a bed but as soon as Rush was down he started screaming in pain. "Hold him!" TJ ordered and Scott and Greer both tried to keep Rush steady as TJ rummaged through the things in the infirmary and finally filled a syringe with a clear liquid and injected it to Rush's arm.

The scientist calmed down slowly and Scott gently placed him back down onto the bed. He turned to see Chloe and Eli hovering by the door.

"What happened?" asked Chloe worriedly as she made to stand by Rush's side but Scott gently moved her away as TJ checked Rush's vitals again.

"TJ?" asked Young as she shook her head.

"No injury, the only thing abnormal is his heart rate which so fast and he's breathing like he's having some sort of attack," replied TJ.

"Not to mention the pained look on his face," added Eli. "Could it have something to do with whatever the Lucian Alliance did to him?"

"The Lucian Alliance tortured him," whispered Young as all eyes turned to him in surprise. Rush didn't tell anyone then and just went back to work like nothing happened. Well how could he anyway? As soon as he was back in his own body, the Lucian Alliance had taken over the ship and Rush needed to save them again. "I should have made him get checked out."

"Any idea what exactly they did to him?" asked Greer.

"Well I can bet the person who did know is dead," pointed out Scott but he turned to Young. "I'll go ask them and hopefully at least one of them is decent enough to help us."

"Don't count on it," replied Greer but Young nodded and the two of them left.

"Is there a chance that this could be PTSD?" Whispered Young as Eli and Chloe stood beside Rush's unconscious form. TJ studied the scientist's sleeping form before turning back to Young.

"I'm not really sure," bega TJ. "You'll have to ask Camille about that." She debated whether to hook Rush to an IV given the fact that the man has hardly eaten anything and has not had any decent rest whatsoever. "I came by the Control Interface Room a few hours ago and I saw him sitting on the floor. I should have known something was up."

"You've just come out of an ordeal as well," began Young, putting a hand on her shoulder which TJ shrugged off. Young's face masked the surprise and hurt he felt but didn't say anything further. "What's your course of action?"

"For now?" asked TJ as she moved to check Rush's pulse once again. "Try to get his heart rate down and see where he goes from there."

* * *

Varro should have just spoken with Lt. Johansen when they first arrived. He should have just told her what had happened to Rush when things had died down. No, he chose to trust that the man describe only as being a genius would get himself checked out.

He should have known that geniuses were only good at specific fields. Rush didn't strike him as being one with common sense when it came to his own well being.

Scott and Greer had escorted him to the colonel's quarters and motioned for him to enter. He found the colonel there with Lt. Johansen discussing a few things and they both turned when the door opened.

Colonel Young immediately stood and nodded towards his two men and the door closed behind Varro. "I understand you know what happened to Dr. Rush while he was being interrogated by Kiva."

"I do," replied Varro, keeping his voice steady and sounding sincere. He honestly wanted to help the man and be of use, not a prisoner on the ship.

"Just to get his out of the way quickly," added Colonel Young, circling his desk to stand right in front of him. "Did you torture Rush?"

"No I didn't," came the steady reply and Young just glared at him but there must have been something in Varro's eyes that made the Colonel sighed and lean back on his desk, motioning for Varro to continue.

"The device that was used on Dr. Rush is called a 'Pulser'," began Varro, turning to the medic. He wanted to express his condolences with the child she had lost. It was clear that she and the colonel had a relationship more than that of coworkers or officer and commanding officer. Squashing the ever growing feeling inside of him, he shrugged it off and continued his explanation. "It is similar to that of the 'Rod of Anguish' that was the choice of the Goa'uld."

The Colonel turned to TJ. "Basically a pain stick," added the medic. "Torture device that sends energy through a person's body, feels like some sort of enhanced electric shock."

"It's more than that," cut off Varro. "Like I said, it's been enhanced. The 'Pulser' doesn't discharge energy to the person's body, or where the device comes contact with. No it goes to the brain, sending a pulse of pain. You would think it's the same but it's actually much worse."

Lt. Johansen's eyes widened in realization. Man she was quick. "Because if used too much the pulse might linger in the brain." She turned to the colonel and added, "It's basically a device that will induce chronic pain on someone."

Varro nodded. "I haven't seen it been used that much on a person. But it has been known to have that effect if used that often enough."

"How long will it last?" asked TJ, immediate concern written all over her face.

"Dr. Rush wasn't feeling it before maybe because of all the adrenaline and stressful events for the past couple of days." began Varro. "His reaction has been delayed a couple of days already."

"But now that things have calmed down...," began Colonel Young. "Any estimate on how long?"

"I really don't know," admitted Varro in a low voice. "Nobody has lasted long against it like Dr. Rush did. He has a high tolerance for pain than most people and Kiva was using it at the highest level of pain."

"So what are we going to do then?" asked the colonel turning to Lt. Johansen .

"Is there anything else you can tell me about the device?" asked TJ, turning to face Varro.

"The energy discharged by the 'Pulser' is more electrical in nature," offered Varro. "That's the only thing I can think of that may be of use."

TJ looked down in deep thought as both the Colonel and Varro studied her. "I may have an idea but I still need to wait for Dr. Rush to regain consciousness before I try anything."

"Understood," replied the Colonel and he turned to Varro. "My men will escort you back. Thank you for your help."

"You can trust us, Colonel," voiced out Varro.

"I'll be the judge of that," replied Young. "If I get even the slight evidence that you are doing this to Rush, you and your friends will be left on the first planet we come across...livable or not."

* * *

The two stared each other down before Varro finally relented and turned to leave the room. Young turned to TJ who watched the exchanged, her face unreadable and she too left soon after.

He was confused...where was he? What happened?

He was in darkness...maybe because he had his eyes closed. Or were they open and he was blind? No...they were closed…

Rush took in a breath to steady his overthinking brain and relax. He assessed his own body and concluded that he was laid down, not on his own bed...well not his bed in Destiny anyway. Where the hell was he? Infirmary? But how did he get here?

"Dr. Rush?" came the whisper of his name. So he was in the infirmary if it was TJ that was calling him. He needed to open his eyes...why was it proving to be a difficult task?

"Dr. Rush, can you hear me?"

_Damn it man just open your eyes._

Rush blinked. Everything was too bright and he had to shut them again, his hand immediately going up to cover his face but a softer one stopped him from moving. He finally felt some sort of pressure on his hand and with the little movement he managed, he felt some sort of pull under his skin and was glad that another person stopped him from moving.

"I connected you to an IV, Dr. Rush," he heard TJ say. "Keep still or you'll dislodge it."

Rush blinked open his eyes again, finding the room's light bearable than before. His eyes were still blurry but finally the clear image of TJ's concerned face came to his vision. "Hey, glad you could join us."

"What happened?" asked Rush, slightly surprised with how hoarse his voice sounded. His throat felt like a desert and TJ must have known it would have because she was soon offering him a glass of water.

"Slowly," said TJ, helping Rush drink, covering his hands with hers while another hand steadied him. She wanted to make sure Rush wouldn't gorge down the water, that he just take steady sips as to not make him feel worse.

TJ was glad that Rush managed to finish the glass and set it down by his bed. "How do you feel?"

"How did I get here?" asked Rush as he lifted his head slightly to see that he was in fact in the Infirmary. He didn't recall heading there...what was the last thing he remembered? He was talking to the Colonel. Or no, he was heading back to his quarters...but he ended up here.

"You and Colonel Young were having words earlier today and you collapsed," explained TJ. "Please, Dr. Rush….how are you feeling, really?"

"Tired," whispered Rush, letting his head drop back down in the pillow. "Feels like someone is bludgeoning my head open."

"What else?" asked TJ, hovering over him. "How about your chest?"

Rush eyed her and TJ returned the gesture before finally sighing. "Varro told us about the weapon used on you and its possible side effects. Why did you not come to me sooner?"

"You were-"

"I'm the ship's medical officer Dr. Rush," replied TJ sharply and sighed as she realized her tone of voice. She met Rush's gaze and added softly, "I'm concerned. Frankly, we all are. I know you think you can handle whatever it is and I know you don't trust anyone but please let us help."

Rush swallowed the lump in his throat as TJ kept eye contact with him. "I trust you TJ, I really do...it's just…"

"Just what?" she asked.

"I don't want to burden you especially after…" Rush's voiced trailed off and he looked away from her eyes. "I know how it feels to lose someone...I just wanted to be left alone."

TJ studied the man in her infirmary and she remembered that small piece of information that told her that Rush wasn't just a brilliant, genius, scientist. He was also a husband, once upon a time. "Or be swallowed by your job that you won't have time to think about what you've lost."

Rush, even with how weak he was, snapped his head back up quickly to look at her. TJ's gaze was fixated on the floor. Ignoring the problem may have worked for him before but it wasn't going to work now…Rush was going to need her help, their help to get through this and he needed to accept that. If he continued to fight this, he might just deal with this pain, this trauma for the rest of his life...just like he couldn't handle the loss of Gloria Rush to this day.

"You can't ignore this forever, Dr. Rush," began TJ, looking back up to meet the man's eyes. "You can't brush this aside."

"I can try," replied back Rush as he sat up, slowly. He's movements were sluggish but the motivation of the man was pushing him through. "I can handle this by myself TJ."

"Writhing in pain on the floor is not handling it," fired back TJ, trying to keep her cool. She knew fully well that if Rush got agitated or stressed, it might just trigger the pain again.

"Then I'll take it easy," argued Rush, dangling his legs from the bed. He was going to try and stand but he was pacing himself to prove his point to TJ. He did stand slowly and stayed standing. "You shouldn't be concerned about me any longer Lieutenant."

TJ's concern was still written all over her face and Rush knew he to bargain more to get out of the infirmary. "How about I stay in my quarters the entire day, you can come check on me yourself or send someone to make sure I stay there?"

"And not work?" asked TJ with a raised eyebrow.

"Minimal work, not too tasking." countered Rush. Seeing that TJ wasn't budging, he added, "You can add eating in the mess."

TJ sighed and finally relented. "No, I'll bring it to your room. You going to the mess is basically just inviting you to work." She eyed Rush who sagged a bit in relief. "We try this your way but if things don't get any better, I'm dragging you back here."

"I can handle this, TJ." replied Rush as he slowly made his way out of the infirmary. He didn't know how wrong he was.


	3. Chapter 3

They settled for routine over the next couple of days, which in TJ's surprise, managed to work. Rush stayed in his room for those two days and ate under TJ's supervision (or if she wasn't available, Chloe). He worked on some things, Eli having been present and showing some stuff to Rush via a kino feed. Young didn't yell at him for being insufferable and Rush did talk to the colonel in a civil manner.

By the end of the second day of Rush's room arrest, TJ didn't have any reason why Rush couldn't leave his room and get back to work. The two day rest must have done him some good because he didn't have any sort of episode again.

'Isn't it a bit early to tell," voiced out Chloe as TJ looked over Rush in the infirmary. "I mean I don't think two days is enough of an R&R in your case."

TJ watched the look exchanged between the two. TJ couldn't believe at first how much the relationship between the two had changed...well being abducted by aliens could be a bonding experience for two people.

"I'm fine Chloe," replied Rush patiently. That sentences was becoming a mantra of his, with the name being changed to the person who looked at him in concern. The name had changed from Lieutenant, to Eli to Colonel to Chloe and Rush saying the particular sentence more than 50 times for the past two days.

"Varro said he didn't know how long the effects will last," began TJ but Rush countered her.

"But he did say I should take it easy and I have for the past couple of days," argued Rush.

"Past two days," corrected TJ but she sighed. "How about you work 8 hour-shifts for the rest of the week and let's see what happens."

Rush knew any form of argument might just worsen his current predicament so he only nodded and promised TJ that he wouldn't take his usual work until he dropped philosophy.

"Eli and I will make sure he eats and does work only 8 hours," said Chloe, going after the scientist leaving TJ alone in the infirmary.

Something she found unsettling.

Once she was fit to be back on duty, she hated being alone with her own thoughts. Because her thoughts would wander to what she had lost...to what she had failed to protect.

The distraction of having someone to look after in the infirmary, Rush being one of them, helped her forget. But remembering her conversation with Rush two days prior, TJ knew she had to face her own grief and her own troubles sooner rather than later.

Rush had done the same thing she was doing and it didn't end well, seeing as the death of Gloria Rush was still a fresh wound to Rush even to this day. The man never got over her death and his approach to coping with it never led to any acceptance. Never led to any moving on at all.

TJ didn't know if she herself would find a day when she herself could move on.

She sighed and remembered how Chloe and Rush had acted earlier. Chloe had hated Rush with every fibre of her being because of the loss of her father but then...there they were, looking out for each other. They moved on from that chapter in their lives.

If there were any two people she could talk to about losing someone they love, it was either Chloe and Rush.

There was another person but TJ couldn't bring herself to have any sort of personal conversation with Young right now…

For the time being, she was just going to have to look out for the rest of the people on Destiny and look at her own well being when the thought of her own child wouldn't bring her to tears.

* * *

"Dr. Rush, it's been 8 hours," said Eli hesitantly as he approached the man leaning over his console. No one from the Science Team had even bothered him as he remained in front of his console ever since returning from the infirmary.

He sprouted orders yes, but not barked them in his usual strong Scottish brogue. Brody and Park remembered a time when he was like this, like a good breeze could pretty much land the genius on a heap on the floor.

The last time Rush was like this was when he had gotten back to work after having chest surgery. And they all remembered how that ended up.

Rush didn't pay attention to Eli hovering behind him but kept on pushing buttons on his console. Eli turned to the others for help but they all just gave him a shrug.

The science team had been informed by Young that under no circumstances were they to provoke the scot into a any sort of stressful situation. That meant not angering him, irritating him, aggravating him...and so on. Brody surmised that maybe this was why Young hadn't show up in the Interface Room the whole time Rush had been there.

"Dr. Rush…" began Eli again. If this wouldn't work, he was going to call Chloe. She was the only one besides TJ who could get away with ordering the man without making it into a stressful situation.

"I heard you the first time Eli," replied Rush as he continued to do something on his console. Eli turned to the others again and they all motioned for him to continue. Not that they wanted Rush out of the room but they still also cared about him. Rush had been through a lot already, it couldn't hurt the man to take it easy after who knows what the Alliance did to him. Young didn't go into details, just that it was not good.

"So yeah ummm…" began Eli again. "Maybe I could take over-"

Rush still didn't answer but consulted his little notebook before pushing a few buttons again on the console. Eli turned to the rest but they all gave him a shrug once again.

"Please don't make me call-" but he was cut short by Rush who raised his hand to silence the boy.

He did one last thing on his console before flipping his notebook closed and turning to the youngest member of his team. "I was just putting a system's check to everything in Destiny, Eli. I trust you were patient enough before calling Chloe or Lieutenant Johansen to take me to my room."

The suppressed laughter from Volker and Brody did not fall on deaf ears as Rush left the Interface Room and Eli all but collapsed on the vacated console.

"Smooth Eli," said Volker when they were sure Rush was no longer in earshot.

"Hey the man should take it easy," replied Eli, looking up from the console. "You guys didn't see him when Scott and Greer carried him the infirmary a couple of days ago."

"We didn't but we can imagine," replied Park. "Col. Young did talk to all of us." She paused and eyed her colleagues. "What do you think the Lucian Alliance did to him?"

Brody sighed and began working again as he spoke. "Personally, I wish it was what the Alliance did to him and not what we did to him."

Volker turned to Eli and they both knew what Brody was talking about. "Brody-"

"I cut off the air to that room," said Brody rather harshly. "We don't know what consequences that had on both Telford and Rush."

"It wasn't Rush in that room," tried Eli.

"But it was still his body," fired back Brody. "His body that he is currently using with a consciousness that was currently being tortured while we were cutting oxygen from his body."

Silence fell after Brody's outburst and was broken only when the man himself resumed working on the console in front of him. "I get it that he had to jump back in the middle of things because we were under attack...but damn it, Rush needs to learn that he's not some kind of enhanced human being."

He stopped and turned to everyone. "It's selfish...but we're not going to find a way home if something happens to Rush."

"Well what can we do?" asked Volker. "It's not like he's going to let any of us help him."

"He's letting TJ and Chloe," replied Park. "He trusts us more than anyone else on this ship. Why does he think we don't care about him?"

"He stood in front of us when those Alliance soldiers threatened to kill us," added Eli. He turned to Volker. "He cares about us but he just doesn't show it."

"Maybe because the last time he cared...she was taken away from him." replied Brody. They had known of course. Brody, Volker, Park...Chloe learned from Rush himself and she told Eli. Young, TJ and Camille had known because of the personnel file of the base.

Eli never could have guessed that Nicholas Rush was a husband once. The rest of the team would say that they heard that Rush wasn't always like the bastard they had gotten to know. He wasn't the work until you dropped kind of guy.

"So what do we do?" asked Eli. "The last time he was like this, he was able to rest because we had no choice but to circle a star and we didn't have much things to do then."

"Maybe we drop out of FTL in a more peaceful place," offered Volker, as he checked over the data on his console. "Or drop out of FTL after a another week or so."

"If we only had control like that," scoffed Brody. "With our luck, something's going to happen soon and we're all going to rely on Rush again to bail us out."

* * *

TJ was not in her usual mood. Rush did not appear in the infirmary as she had instructed the scientist. Upon further investigation, TJ had learned that Rush did only work for 8 hours and went back to his room...or so the science team had said. No one had followed the man. And even worse, no one has seen the man since he left the Interface Room.

TJ sighed. For sure, Rush would have found another room with a console and just began working again.

She marched right to the Interface Room as soon as it had reached the one hour mark from the time Rush was supposed to check-in at the Infirmary. She was surprised to only see Eli and Brody there. No Rush.

"Where is he?" asked TJ, crossing her arms in front of her, not amused.

"I'm guessing Rush," offered Brody who did not look up from his console. "No clue."

"Last we knew," answered Eli. "He headed to his room after his 8 hour shift. He should be arriving here in a couple of minutes."

An hour went by and the arrival of Park and Volker, but no Rush. Eli, Brody and TJ all turned to each other, silently agreeing on a joint decision and left in the direction of the scientist's room which was located somewhat isolated from other people. Trust Rush to pick a room farthest away from anyone else.

They all stopped in front of the door to Rush's room, TJ studying the other two before opening the door. She had prepared herself to find a sleeping scientist, or a scientist who would be awakened by the entrance to his room being opened, or just the site of the scientist himself.

She did not expect an empty room that looked to not have been touched since the previous day when TJ had fetched Rush to go the infirmary. Where was Rush?

TJ immediately got her radio as Eli took out his remote for the Kinos. "Have them search empty rooms that Rush could use as a workstation." ordered TJ then she turned on her radio. "Scott, Greer, Rush is missing. I need you to help me search all possible routes to his room and see where he could have possibly have disappeared to."

"When was he last seen?" came the Colonel's voice and Brody beat her to the answer as the other scientist already had his radio on hand.

"Last night when his 8 hour work shift ended," replied Brody. "We were all there and saw him leave."

"None of you thought to actually make sure he went to his room?" asked Young, the annoyance not unheard lining his voice.

"We all just thought…" began Eli softly but it must have been picked up by the radio because TJ heard the Colonel take a deep breath.

"Scott, Greer, go with TJ," said Young and in the background TJ could hear him moving. "Eli, Brody go back to the Interface room. I'll meet you there. Eli, have your kinos search the ship at random locations."

TJ waited for the other two in front of Rush's room before they set out to the different hallways that surrounded that part of the ship.

"What are you thinking?" asked Scott as they opened all rooms they could find.

"Honestly," began TJ. "I'll be more relieved to see him working."

Scott nodded as the room he had looked into was empty. Greer ahead of them also came up empty. "Knowing the Doc, he's just somewhere doing equations or something on his little notebook and he would look at us as though for him an hour hasn't passed."

TJ wished with all her might that it was just that. Rush was just hiding somewhere, working on the ship or doing math or trying to think of something science-y to distract himself.

Another hallway and TJ's calm demeanour was breaking. Where the hell had Rush gone to?

* * *

_The Alliance was watching his every move like hawks to a prey. Kiva was pacing behind him and he could feel her eyes on his back every now and then. He was just about to say something to irritate them once again when his entire body went rigid…and he couldn't breathe._

_He was back on Destiny...a storage room of some kind with appeared to be boxes. He was leaning heavily on one and he turned his head to the door. He could vaguely see people on the other side. Did they sever the connection? Took them long enough...but why couldn't he breathe?_

_He tried to take a deep breathe but as he blinked Kiva was over him...kneeling over him? When did he fell to the ground? No...why was he back with the Lucian Alliance?_

_He blinked and he saw what appeared to be a ceiling of some sort...Destiny? His entire chest burned as he tried to breathe but no air would come…_

_He gasped and there was Kiva again, she seemed to be shouting at someone. At the back of his mind, he felt cold steel pierce his skin but the pain never registered…_

_His eyes refocused and this time it was Young, doing compressions on his chest and as he gasped, air finally feeling his lungs, Young's hands were immediately cradling his head…_

_And then it was Kiva again, her face grim as he let the darkness consume him._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So where do you think Rush is?


	4. Chapter 4

"Anything?"

Eli made a side glance to Brody before turning the Colonel with a shake of his head. That was about the fifth time the Colonel had asked that in the span of 30 minutes.

The kinos have done random searches all accessible parts on Destiny and nothing, no sign of Rush at all.

The kinos have passed TJ, Scott and Greer five times already and the Colonel was growing restless, hell every single of one them were.

"No sign of him," came the cackle of Young's radio and Greer's voice filled the interface room.

A sigh and the Colonel was back to his pacing as the kinos moved all around the ship.

"Maybe he's taking a long shower and that's why-" offered Eli but the colonel turned to him with very unamused look.

"Then search the damn showers for all I care," snapped Young as he stopped his pacing and walked over to Eli's console. "I don't care if he's taking his alone time, I don't care if he's doing equations or fixing whatever it is that warranted him to disappear without any radio on him. I care about finding him in one damn piece, Eli!"

The outburst was met with silence in both the interface room and with TJ's team. Brody was about to point them to another part of the ship and had already pressed open his communication radio when Young had shouted.

Nobody dared to speak as Young continued to glare at Eli and the young man was about a breathe away from breaking into tears.

Back with TJ's team, Greer was eyeing Scott, telling the young man that it was he who should be breaking the ice. Him or TJ but neither knew what to do or say, they could only just look at each other, at a loss for any action.

If was Young himself who finally sprang back into action as he took his radio. "Camille, still no sign. I'm going to have to ask everyone, military and civilian, to help in the search."

"Organizing a search," came Camille's quick reply. After a few more moments the radio came to life again, "Ok, everyone is on the lookout. What places have we covered already?"

TJ replied via her radio and Eli soon after. Their search was pretty substantive already but still there was no sign of the scientist.

"Maybe we should look at this at a different way," said Camille as she entered the control interface room. Young kept the channel open so that TJ and the rest could hear.

"What do you mean?" asked Young, returning to his usual calm and commanding self.

"Let's assume that Dr. Rush had every intention of taking a break or resting after his shift," began Camille as she turned from the colonel to the rest of the science team. "But taking a break does not necessarily entail, sleeping in his quarters."

"For Rush, relaxing is doing equations," voiced out Brody as Camille nodded at him.

"Still doesn't explain where he is right now," raised Park. "Or why we can't find him."

"If I was going to do something that required concentration," argued Camille. "I'd find somewhere very quiet. A place I know I won't be bothered."

"That leaves the unexplored parts of the ship," said Young as he turned to Eli and the young man was already controlling the kinos to that area.

TJ thought about it for a second before speaking to her radio. "Permission to follow on another lead, Colonel."

Young and Camille exchanged a quizzical look before Young replied, "What is it TJ?"

"Well Rush would surely be distracted with the so many undiscovered parts of Destiny if he had wandered of to the unexplored areas to do equations." argued TJ as she turned from Scott and Greer. "What time did he leave the interface room, Eli?"

"It was late," came the reply from the boy as TJ suddenly moved, Scott and Greer following her.

"Meaning everyone else would have probably been asleep already," replied TJ. "Did you look in the Observation Deck?"

"We did," replied Eli rather quickly but then his face dropped. "Well the kinos flew passed it and I saw nothing."

"You didn't look inside?" asked TJ as she all but bursted into a run, Scott and Greer following close by. She wished with her all her might that what she suspected was true.

Camille had a point that even if Rush's shift had ended, he was going to rest but not necessarily sleep. TJ rather had the idea that Rush had nightmares of his ordeal and sleep was the least of his priorities. If he was going to go over some equations and all that, he wasn't going to do it in the mess where he knew people would still be up.

He would do it somewhere where he could look up and see the beauty of his life's work...the passing stars or the FTL lights. Knowing that it was late and people had grown used to the beauty of it already, Rush was going to stay in the observation deck.

TJ quickly ran into the room and surveyed the area and just as she was ready to radio in that Rush wasn't there, she saw a pair of legs in the far corner. It would have been easily missed given the lack of lights in that area but TJ was glad she was looking for it.

TJ ran to Rush's fallen side as Scott radioed the Colonel that they had found Rush.

TJ quickly turned the scientist to his back and TJ's heart skipped a beat when she saw dried blood below his nose. She quickly checked for a pulse and was relieved beyond anything when she found one...not as strong as she wished it would be but still a steady, albeit weak, pulse.

She turned to the other two. "Carry him to the infirmary, gently." The two didn't need to be told twice as TJ straightened up and radioed the Colonel that they were on their way to the infirmary and that she didn't know anything yet...except that she was sure Rush had another episode.

* * *

Eli paced the hall outside the infirmary while Chloe and Brody stood to one side.

It was his fault. He should have flew the kino inside the observation deck and searched properly. Why did he just flew past it as though it wasn't an important part of the ship? Of course Rush would have gone there as well, why didn't he think that.

If he had then they would have found Rush sooner and maybe had gotten him to the infirmary sooner and-

"Eli stop," came the order from Chloe and Eli jumped back at the intensity of her words. She had practically shouted and Elis tumbled back. "Sorry, but we've been trying to get your attention and you've been pacing a hole on the floor."

"Sorry," mumbled Eli but he didn't stop moving, playing with his hands nervously because he was too busy blaming himself.

Seemingly sensing what was on the younger man's mind, Brody placed a hand on Eli's shoulder that stopped him from his pacing. "Like you guys told me, Eli. This wasn't your fault."

"I know this is not my fault but we could have found him sooner if I had bothered to be thorough," said Eli. "He's always been telling me that. I'm always more 'get it done quickly' not checking if I had missed something or if I had done it properly. And I didn't do it properly, Brody!" Eli stopped and leaned his back to the nearby wall.

"The important thing is Rush was found Eli," argued Brody. "We're no help to him if we keep blaming ourselves for his current predicament."

"Brody's right," added Chloe. "We can't change what happened earlier but we can decide how best we can help Dr. Rush after this." She stopped and looked back at the closed doors of the infirmary. "He's going to need our help whether he wants to admit it or not."

Eli nodded slowly, swallowing the growing lump in his throat as he sat down on the floor, back still leaned against the wall. Rush was a bastard most of the time, especially to everyone and Eli wasn't an exception. But Eli still felt some sort of different relationship with the man.

He couldn't shake that moment when Rush had stepped forward, acted as a human shield and asked the Alliance not to kill any of them. Rush of course knew that the Alliance wanted him alive and weren't going to shoot him but he blocked the gunfire sure to come their war.

Eli couldn't stop thinking what if Greer and Scott hadn't arrived in time. What if the Alliance had started shooting….what would have happened then?

"Eli…" began Chloe as she sat next to him. "Rush is going to get through this."

"I hope so…"

* * *

"He's heart rate is stable. The only worrying sign was the dried blood under his nose but I can't really tell for sure what had happened until he wakes," reported TJ as the Colonel leaned on the bed next to where Rush laid.

The scientist was out cold, no IV this time but TJ had placed a blanket over his shivering form. His vitals were normal, except maybe his body temperature which was a bit cold but not low enough to cause any harm.

"You think he was there all night?" asked Young and TJ nodded.

"I think he never made it to his room, yes," explained TJ. "The only thing we can do right now is wait for him to wake up."

"And get some answers," said Young and TJ fought the urge to glare at him.

"I don't think it's a good idea for him to wake up and be confronted with hostility, Colonel," the almost hiss of his rank did not go to deaf ears and Young turned to TJ in surprise.

"I'm just saying that-"

"He's currently a patient, Everett and I will not have you interrogating him when he's clearly not well enough to even answer any questions or tackle any accusation you want to do," reprimanded TJ. Sure she was talking to someone who outranked her, someone who she had shared a bed with, who she considered once upon a time a person she loved with all her heart...but right now he was being an idiot. "My infirmary, my rules."

"I know that TJ," replied Young as he got up from leaning on the bed to standing right next to her. "But Rush doesn't take orders lightly...look at how he brushed aside you telling him no to stress himself out or work himself too much."

"We don't even know-"

A soft groan from the bed cut her off and TJ was instantly by Rush's side as the scientist blinked his eyes open but immediately shut them again. TJ rushed and dimmed the lights before heading back to Rush's side and urging him to open his eyes once again.

Rush's eyes finally cleared from the haze he was initially in and took in his surroundings. The surprise that registered on his face was clear as day as both Young and TJ exchanged a worried look.

"How did I get here?" asked Rush, his voice hoarse and TJ was reminded of that time when he had woken up from passing out due to nicotine and caffeine withdrawal.

"We found you out cold in the Observation Deck," explained TJ. "How do you feel?"

"Like someone sat on my chest," replied Rush as he tried to sit up and TJ made no move to stop him from doing so. It was just like the last time. The episode had passed and he was back to being Rush again.

"What's the last thing you remember?" asked TJ as Rush stayed seated on the bed, his legs hanging from the side and he bowed his head, trying to remember what had happened the previous night.

"Eli telling me that my shift had ended," offered Rush but then he looked to be still thinking about the previous night. "No...I remember going to the Observation Deck."

"To work," said Young which pretty much sounded like a reprimand and the Scot just glared at the Colonel.

"To look at the lights, Colonel," corrected Rush, his voice lined with annoyance. "Or is that a crime now." He turned to TJ and his expression softened. "I didn't want to doze off so I went to the Observation Deck to get some quiet and looked over some equations. That's what I usually do to pass the time."

"That's a load of bullshit, Rush," said Young as TJ cried out, "Colonel don't antagonize him!"

"You're working on something again and that's why TJ and the rest found you unconscious on the floor with a bleeding nose," accused Young. "You had another episode because you stressed yourself too much with work or whatever discovery you've been keeping from the rest of us."

"Oh that's the truth isn't it Colonel," said Rush as he quickly stood to face the Colonel. "Believe what you want, I need to get back to work." he made to leave but Young grabbed his arm and forced him back against the bed.

"This ends now Rush," growled Young. "You haven't been sleeping and you keep working on who knows what? Just tell us the damn truth so we can help you."

"I am telling you the truth," hissed Rush as he yanked his arm away from the Colonel's grasp. He took out his notebook and tossed it hard at the Colonel. "Since you don't care about my bloody privacy, look for yourself at what I was doing in the Observation Deck before I fell asleep."

Young made no move to look at the notebook but TJ did and she opened the last page and her heart sank...it was a rough drawing of a woman...a woman TJ could only conclude as rush's late wife. Young did a side-ways glance and his features softened a bit.

"Rush…" began Young in what TJ assumed was an attempt at an apology but Rush just grabbed his notebook again and made to sidestep the Colonel to leave the infirmary but TJ stopped him.

"I'm sorry Dr. Rush but you had another attack and we need to figure out what triggers them," reasoned TJ. "i thought at first it would be stress or- wait you said you fell asleep?"

"Yes," said Rush as he looked to TJ and ignored the colonel. "That's the last thing I remembered." He paused and TJ knew there was something more. "The last thing I remembered of being in the Observation Deck anyway…"

"What do you mean?" asked TJ as she led him back to the bed and urged him to sit back down. He didn't but he did lean on the bed, his arms on either side of him to keep his balance.

"When I first relieved the pain from the Alliance's torture," explained Rush. "I could actually see myself being back on their ship."

"Like a nightmare but this time you do actually feel the pain," offered TJ and Rush nodded.

"Maybe it's not just stressing myself that triggers it," said Rush. "Without the distraction, nothing stops the pulse from rearing its head. Too much and the brain suddenly finds itself in the same state as when I was being tortured and again triggers the pain."

TJ frowned at his reasoning. "I'm not going to recommend you to be constantly working Dr. Rush no matter how hard you argue that it won't be enough to stress you and it'll keep you busy enough from thinking about the pain."

Rush sighed, he pretty much figured that wasn't going to happen. But there was still something unanswered and TJ hoped this wasn't going to trigger another attack. "What did you see last night?"

"What's puzzling me is that it wasn't actually another torture session," answered Rush. "I was already working on a way to dial the 9th chevron and then I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my chest." He looked up at TJ. "Then I think I was shifting between my own body and Colonel Telford's because one second I was on the Alliance base and the next I would be looking up at the ceiling on Destiny."

Both TJ and Young's eyes widened and Rush noticed it. "That was just a glitch with the stones right? The pain was from the Pulser."

TJ turned and glared at the Colonel and Rush watched the exchange warily but finally Young sighed and crossed his arms in front of him.

"I had to cancel the mind control the Alliance had on Colonel Telford," explained Young and Rush's eyes widened in realization.

"The only way for you to have done that is if you had-"

"Made his heart stop technically killing him, yes, we did,' finished Young. "It was the only way."

"It was the only way?" whispered Rush, taking both TJ and Young aback. His voice was soft and resigned, but you could still tell he was damn pissed. "Oh yes of course it was. Disconnecting me and Telford wouldn't have given you any information because I'm an idiot who wouldn't have observed my surroundings and listened intently to any conversations going on around me."

Rush scoffed as he advanced towards the Colonel. "Of course I wouldn't have been able to provide any information on the Alliance but your dear friend Colonel Telford was a more valuable asset."

"We needed-"

"No you needed to make sure you're dear friend gets a reprieve after doing who knows what for the Alliance!" countered Rush. "The severed connection usually happens when we drop in and out of FTL but severing a connection because of a more physical sense? That could actually have some lasting effect. You didn't think about that didn't you?! The chance-"

"It was a chance I was willing to take and you said you knew the risks," countered Young. "You told me once Rush, that you would do anything for the good of the crew well that was what happened. It was for the good of everyone on board."

Rush scoffed and glared at the Colonel. "You almost managed to make that sound convincing."

The words were out of his mouth before it registered and suddenly he wasn't in the infirmary anymore.

" _You almost managed to make that sound convincing."_

_Kiva's words echoed back and he was on the ground, his arms shackled behind his back as he looked up to see Kiva standing over him. She turned towards the man holding the device...Dannic, his name was Dannic._

_This wasn't real. Both of them were dead. They couldn't hurt him anymore._

_But the device activated, a shot of red electricity hitting him square in the chest and everything inside burned. This wasn't real...but the pain was real...his entire body was shaking, he couldn't stop screaming…_

" _Barbaric, I know," he could hear Kiva still but everything was already black. "And I hate lowering myself to this level, but I need to know who you are." Her voice was fading but the pain wasn't...it actually felt like it was getting stronger. "And beyond that, whether or not you're any use to me."_

_The device activated and everything hurt...and it didn't stop._


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, Young gets a talking to while TJ and Camille head to Earth to report and hopefully get any useful information. Elsewhere, the Science Team discovers that there maybe something wrong with Destiny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I have never written a fic for SG1 and the last time I did watch it was a long time ago so I'm sorry if O'Neil, Daniel and Sam seem a bit OOC for you guys.

TJ was immediately by Rush's side as he gave out a pained gasp. Young made to help but TJ glared at him. "Get out, Colonel!"

"TJ I-"

"You've done enough!" shouted TJ as he supported the scientist's weight. Her shouts alerted the others who stood outside the Infirmary and the doors opened to admit Eli, Chloe and Brody.

"Help me get him to a bed," ordered TJ to Eli and Brody who immediately went and helped her with Rush. TJ then nodded to Chloe and she went to readied some medical equipment that she knew TJ usually used.

Young could only watch as Eli and Brody finally got Rush's shivering form on the bed. TJ glared at him one last time before leaving the infirmary. He was not surprised to see Camille waiting just outside the doors.

"Is he alright?" asked Camille, concern written all over her face. Rush after all was a civilian and fell under her jurisdiction.

"Honestly?" asked Young as he turned to the closed doors of the infirmary. "I have no idea."

Camille studied him a bit before crossing her arms. Young knew he was in for another lecture but they best have this conversation now than later. "You can say it."

"Saying I told you so won't do us any good," replied Camille.

"Well why didn't you agree with him before then?" asked Young.

"Because we had bigger problems then," replied Camille. "Now, everything seems to be up and running but as soon as the next crisis comes, what do we do then, Colonel?"

"Like we've always done," replied Young. "We never had a plan for anything has come our way, Camille."

"Yes but it was always Dr. Rush who ended up saving all of us," fired back Camille. She sighed and leaned on the wall across Young. "Even after he had chest surgery, what did he do?" She paused and turned towards the closed doors. "He pushed himself to get up and do some repairs across the ship when he was breath away from collapsing."

It was the truth. He himself had told Rush to get some rest but the man pushed through even without proper supply of painkillers and meds. Even with the numerous tasks that needed to be done, through the pain of having his chest opened and a tracker destroyed...Rush worked pass all of those.

"What am I going to report, Colonel? That because you were desperate to save Colonel Telford's reputation, we have compromised the only expert we have on board." said Camille with a glare towards him.

"Rush knew the risks when he volunteered for this," said Young.

"To being undercover," argued Camille. "Not to being kidnapped and tortured. He counted on us to get him out and we didn't." She paused to let her words sink in. "This is exactly why he doesn't trust anyone of us, Colonel. Because everyone leaves him behind."

Young cringed at her words and that day came rushing back. "I didn't leave him behind this time Camille."

"No," agreed Camille but fixed the colonel with a hard stare. "You just chose a traitor over him." She turned to enter the infirmary but stopped and spoke again. "Tell me, colonel, which do you think was worse?"

She opened the doors and entered, not waiting for his reply.

Young sighed and punched the nearest wall. Things were just getting worse and from the looks of it everything was his fault.

* * *

 

It took TJ, Chloe and Camille's combined effort for Rush's shivering to stop and the scientist was out cold with yet another IV attached to the back of his right hand. Chloe and Eli had volunteered to watch over the scientist as TJ and Camille headed to the communication stones.

"I don't know what to report," began Camille as they walked. "I don't even know what to say at all." She had asked TJ to accompany her because she would know better what to say to the people back on Earth.

Normally it would Colonel Young who would do this but given the circumstances, TJ and Camille had decided to brief Earth themselves.

"I think it'd be better to just talk to Gen. O'Neil first before anything else," suggested TJ. "We'll tell him and he'll relay to anyone else who needs to know."

"You're right," replied Camille and they both prepared to use the stones.

TJ and Camille blinked and was now in the Pentagon. A few more pleasantries with other military personnel and finally they were led to Lt. Gen O'Neil's office.

"This is new," remarked O'Neil as he stood behind his desk. There was another man inside the office and from personnel files, both TJ and Camille knew this was Dr. Daniel Jackson.

"Something wrong?" asked Jackson. "Already?"

TJ and Camille turned to each other before getting on with what was currently happening in Destiny, particularly Dr. Rush.

As TJ finished with her current run down on Rush's current condition, Jackson turned and glared at O'Neil. "I told him Dr. Rush's life was in danger and look at what that got us."

"What's done is done," replied O'Neil as he looked at TJ. "Any indication that we've already passed the worst of whatever it is that is happening with Dr. Rush?"

TJ shook her head. "The problem is I'm not really familiar with the device that was used on him." She turned to Jackson. "A member of the Lucian Alliance had said that the device was an improvement on the Rod of Anguish by the Goa'uld. I'm not sure there is anyone who has lived through the device to tell us anything."

Jackson and O'Neil exchanged a nervous look which both women caught. There was clearly something that the two men had not shared with all at SGC.

"There might be one person," offered O'Neil.

"Technically she wasn't really tortured though," pointed out Jackson but he was moving towards the door. "But I'll go find her."

"Her being?" asked Camille.

"Samantha Carter."

* * *

 

Brody had left Eli and Chloe in the infirmary once Rush was sleeping soundly. He didn't want the two knowing how completely shaken he had been seeing Rush like that.

The problem was, he needed to tell the others what had happened and Brody didn't know if he could take that.

But just as he appeared in the Interface Room, the other members of the Science Team all looked grim. "What?"

"We're still having malfunctioning systems," replied Volker. "The biggest ones are the shield."

They had dropped out of FTL a couple of hours ago and were scheduled to leave in another eight hours. "The shields are only at 2.5% shield strength and if we don't get that up, we're going to be in very big trouble."

"Not to mention the FTL drive itself looks like it's encountering some problems," said Park. "Not really sure though…"

Brody sighed. "You mean we need Rush to look at it."

"How is he?' asked Park. "Honestly.'

"Honestly," began Brody as he looked at the console. "Not good...and I don't think he'll be up and working in time for to fix anything on this ship." He looked back at the console. Rush was out and he didn't want to die in space. "What could be wrong with the shield?"

'It over exerted itself," pointed out Volker and Brody gave him a confused look. "Hear me out," he voiced out raising his arms. "The shields weren't meant to have that amount of power for a long time. It's capacity was exceeded and thus its ability to house power might have been compromised."

"Like overcharging a battery?" offered Brody and Volker nodded. "It's capacity might have decreased...but at that much?"

"Or it's just not taking power because of what Destiny had done," said Park. "Destiny diverted most of its power to the shields during that time...it's original programming may have been overwritten."

"That explains everything else thats wrong with the other systems too," pointed out Brody. "Destiny did an overwrite to all its system to save us from the radiation."

"And someone needs to write them back," replied Volker, knowing full well that there was really one person who could do that.

The man unconscious in the infirmary.

* * *

 

"You want anything to eat?" asked Eli as he continued to pace the infirmary. Chloe sat on the bed right next to where Dr. Rush laid. Eli had been trying to distract himself since TJ and Camille had left to use the communication stones.

"I'm good Eli," replied Chloe although her eyes weren't looking his way. She was far too focused on the small hint of Rush's chest rising and falling slightly, a rhythmic breathing pattern that told her the scientist was fast asleep. At least not dreaming this time around.

Eli finally gave up his pacing and chose to sit next to her on the bed...well leaning on the bed next to where she sat.

"What do we do?" asked Eli, his voice barely above a whisper. "Volder and Lisa were saying that the ship's systems weren't in good shape and they don't think we'll be able to fix it without Dr. Rush...and it's not like I want him to be alright like that so he could save us again but we also-

"Eli," said Chloe sharply but quietly. The boy was having a small rant but she knew that it wouldn't help things, for Rush and for him, at all."Don't wake him."

"I'm sorry," came the immediate apology. "I just...everyone thinks I'm some sort of boy wonder when the truth is, I rely on Dr. Rush to save my own ass from my own careless mistakes."

"He's done a lot for us," agreed Chloe. "And everyone still blames him for getting us out of Icarus...alive if I can just point out."

"Yeah," whispered Eli, looking at the sleeping man. "I think we would have destroyed Earth if we had dialled home." He paused as he continued to study Rush's form. "He made that decision. Dial Earth with the chance that it would destroy the galaxy or dial the unknown and hope to rescue everyone and Earth in the process."

"He didn't give that burden to anyone else," began Chloe, suddenly finding it difficult to look at Rush. "He made that decision knowing that everyone else would blame him for it."

Her thoughts went back to her father and how she had shoved Rush to the floor and blamed the scientist for her father's death.

And then it shifted to when the aliens had abducted her and Rush had rescued her and brought her back to Destiny.

Rush could have left her alone there. But he didn't. He went and risked his own life to get her and save her He didn't stop there. He still helped her whenever she got the nightmares of being back on that ship.

Eli sighed and made to say something when the doors to the infirmary admitted the very grim faces of the Scientist Team. Eli's eyes widened and Brody turned to him, "We have a problem."

* * *

 

He had expected Sam's glare when she had entered the office. Of course Daniel would have told her everything, and of course she would have gotten an earful from Jackson but as he had pointed out what's done was done. It's not like he could go back in time and change things.

Sam had wanted a word before she would talk to the two from Destiny and O'Neil had ushered her out of his office.

"He was your friend, if I remember correctly," said Sam as soon as he shut the door. "And the fact that he is a civilian scientist."

"Sam," began O'Neil but the glre kept him in place. "I made a wrong choice."

"No you let Young do what he wanted," corrected Sam. "We all know how the colonel felt about Dr. Rush and given the choice between him and Telford, we know where Young's priorities are."

O'Neil winced at that. He didn't actually do anything to take command of what Young was doing. He didn't feel comfortable taking charge when he didn't understand a lot of things with regards to Destiny but he should have stepped in to save a civilian.

"There's nothing I can really share with Ms. Wray and Lt. Johansen," said Sam after a moment. "That you and Daniel don't already know."

"Anything will help them at this point, I think," replied O'Neil as they went back inside.

"Ms. Wray, Lt. Johansen," began O'Neil as he sat back down behind his desk. "Brigadier General Samantha Carter."

"Lieutenant, Ms. Wary," replied Sam as she shook their hands. "I'm not sure I can be of help, but I will try."

"Thank you General," replied TJ. "I was just in need of any information that could help me treat whatever is happening with Dr. Rush."

"You said that the device used on him was some form of the Rod of Anguish?" asked Sam and TJ nodded. "All I can tell you Lieutenant, is that Dr. Rush went through levels of pain unimaginable to anyone else."

TJ and Camille all exchanged a worried look. "Did the pain linger?"

"I'm sorry?" asked Sam as she turned to Jackson.

"Rush is apparently having episodes wherein he feels the torture he had endured," explained Jackson. "Not just the pain, as I understand it, am I correct Lt. Johansen?"

"He had mentioned that during the episodes, it would feel like he was back on the Alliance's ship and can even remember what Kida and her men were saying above him." clarified TJ.

"Not to mention the traumas his body endured while he and Col. Telford were still using the stones." added Camille.

"What did the man from the Alliance said about the device?" asked Sam.

"That unlike the Rod of Anguish, it sends a pulse to the brain instead of an electric shock," remembered TJ. "

"Commanding it to fill pain," finished Sam her eyes widening. "Did he say how to undo it?"

"Nobody has been subjected to the device for such a long period as they did on Dr. Rush," answered Camille.

"So this device," began Jackson. "It's like if used too much, it'll basically make the person feel chronic pain or," he swallowed. "Make the person feel the torture over and over again."

"Varro, the member of the Lucian Alliance, had said that it was an effect that the Alliance were wary about that is why they never used it too much on a person," replied TJ.

"Until they were desperate." added O'Neil.

Silence fell upon the office.

Samantha swallowed and straightened up. She turned to Jackson. "I'm sure we can find something on this device that can help with whatever Dr. Rush is suffering under."

Jackson nodded and turned to the two. "We'll get right on it. As for Dr. Rush, I think the safest thing to assume right now is to keep him relaxed or calm or unconscious."

"And have someone with him at all times in case he has another episode," added O'Neil.

"Given the last episode," began TJ. "I don't think he'll be up any time soon."

"Let's just hope nothing happens with Destiny while we're dealing with this," said Jackson, but he had spoke too soon.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, we learn Destiny did not come out of the Alliance takeover unscathed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See my notes at the end of the chapter so I won't spoil anything. :)

 

"Run that by me again?" began Young as he pinched the bridge of his nose. It was just as Camille had predicted, one problem after another...and the problem solver still hasn't woken up and it's been 10 hours already.

"Destiny reprogrammed most of its processes during the Lucian Alliance takeover," began Eli. "Meaning all the other workarounds and systems we've modified have all been erased."

"Then why can't we just program it back?" asked Telford, who surprisingly, wasn't as commanding as he usually was. Young filed that for later, right now their main issue was surviving...and that entailed waking up the person who could solve the problem.

"We tried," began Brody. "But it looks like Destiny has gotten...well immune to our tinkering."

Young, Telford and Camille all turned to the Science Team, confused and their gaze also was a bit on the lines as, in English please.

"You mean it's adapted to counter all the work you've done?" It was TJ who had voiced it out much to the relief of the Science Team on how they were going to explain it.

"But it's a ship," voiced Camille. "How can it adapt?"

"Well it's a centuries old ship that we have only about 10% understanding of," answered Volker, much to everyone's stare. "Ok us 10%, Rush about 35…"

That last statement was met with silence.

"Any idea when he'll wake up?" asked Young to TJ who shook her head.

Young sighed and paced the Interface Room. "What's our worst case scenario?"

"Worst case is we run out of energy and drop out of FTL in the middle of nowhere," said Brody. "Right now, we're still in FTL and hopefully we reach our course and there's a planet and a star there."

"But the problem won't be fixed," pointed out Camille.

"We just need to figure out a way to do another overwrite," raised Telford. "I'm sure you guys can come up with something like that."

"If we had Rush yeah," said Volker.

"Without Rush?" asked Young.

The science team all turned to each other with concerned looks that unsettled Young. That was a no then.

"We could give it a try," offered Brody and just as he said it, the temperature of the room dropped a few degrees, everyone feeling the change.

"What was that?" asked Telford as the Science Team, headed for their own consoles.

"Destiny just turned down the temperature," explained Park. "No idea why yet...or if it helps with our power situation."

Then the room heated up again. "Ok scratch that," raised Park. "She's just diverted power to living environment and other similar systems."

"While diminishing the power from the shields," added Eli. "We're down to 35% shield power."

"FTL engine power just dipped to 70% power as well," reported Volker. "We might drop-"

"Destiny just shifted a lot of power to its reserves," raised Brody as he studied his console. "The problem is I can't seem to make Destiny access them so we won't drop prematurely."

"We dropped before when we ran out of power," pointed out Young. "And drifted next to a star, wouldn't that work out the same now."

"That was when even the reserves were gone," replied Eli. "Now we have full reserves that we cannot access because Destiny's systems are all over the place."

Young sighed and ran a tired hand over his face. This was getting dire by the minute and things weren't looking up. He turned to the room and wasn't surprised to see all eyes on him. There was really one hope everyone was clinging to...the hope that Nicholas Rush would wake up and fix the problem.

* * *

It didn't take a mind reader to see what was going through Everett's head when the briefing had ended and the non-members of the Science Team left the Interface Room.

Well to be fair, Telford has known the man quite a long time…

"You should have disconnected the stones," said Telford as he rounded the corner to where Young had stormed off to.

Young was leaning on the wall but at Telford's words, the man turned and glared at him. "Don't you think I know that?" snapped Young huffing and turning to walk to his quarters. "I've had this lecture from him, from Camille...I don't need to hear it from you."

"You need to hear that you messed up, Everett," continued Telford. "It was your personal feelings for a friend that compromised this mission."

Young stopped and turned to stare at Telford through narrow eyes. "I don't believe this...just because you're here doesn't mean you're now the commanding officer on board, David!"

"Well if I was the person leading this mission, then we wouldn't be having this problem," replied Telford.

"Yes because the entire crew would be dead and Kiva would be slowly torturing Rush just so the Alliance could get what they want," argued Young, as he got into Telford's personal space. "I see that the brain control didn't mess around with who you really are, David."

"We both know that you're not thinking straight right now, Everett," began Telford anew, his voice softer. "You just lost a child. It's understandable to not see the bigger picture."

"I am perfectly capable of being in command," hissed Young.

Telford raised his arms in surrender. "I know Everett...but maybe you could also use some help." He stopped and met the man's eye. "That man in the infirmary volunteered to learn more about the Lucian Alliance by going into a very dangerous situation. From what I'm hearing, he's the main reason why you've survived out here long enough."

"I'd get to the point, David," said Young, losing patience with the conversation.

"All I'm saying Everett is you shouldn't let your personal feelings for the guy cloud your judgement," ended David. "The man's a pain in the ass on his good days. But I still would have severed the connection if I had been on your shoes. Rush is too valuable...and now we're dealing with the consequences of what happened."

Telford turned and left, Young noting how he had phrased his last words...the man could have said that they were dealing with the consequences of what he did...but instead chose to not play the blame game.

Young sighed and leaned back against the hallway again. He needed to do something...he just wished he knew what it was.

* * *

Young must have roamed around the accessible parts of Destiny twice before finally making his way to the infirmary. It was empty except for its lone patient and TJ looking through her available resources.

"Any change?" asked Young as he leaned on the bed next to where Rush was sleeping.

TJ shook her head. "His vitals are stable and looks like he's actually getting some decent rest...but I doubt our problem has been solved." She turned back to the things scattered in front of her.

"What are you doing?" asked Young, not really comfortable with the silence that ensued after her statement.

"Trying to come up with something that'll help calm him down if he gets agitated again or has another episode…" trailed off TJ. "I can't just let it pass...I have to do something."

"My thoughts exactly," whispered Young and TJ turned to him. His attention was already back to Rush, studying the unconscious man. "I'm responsible for what had happened."

TJ didn't know what to say...because it was true. And she knew he wasn't just talking about Rush's current state, he was also referring to the lost of their child. If Young had disconnected Rush and Telford, Rush wouldn't have been tortured, wouldn't have been forced to dial the Destiny, the Alliance wouldn't have taken over the ship, she wouldn't have been show, they wouldn't have lost the baby…

TJ was brought out of her own thoughts by Young's gaze on her. "I don't know what you want me to say, Colonel."

"I want to know how to make things right," replied Young. "Tamara I-"

"You can start with not always losing your cool with him," said TJ all of a sudden, not liking where he was taking the conversation. Their priority at the moment was getting Rush back so he could solve the problem with Destiny's systems. Selfish, yes but they all needed to survive. "He's a difficult man to get along with, yes...but he's also dealt with a lot of things that we can only dare to imagine."

"I know that," admitted Young, barely above a whisper. "We've had a truce ever since the Nakai...and this happened." He paused then turned to look at her. "David said if he had been on my shoes, he would have severed the connection because Rush was an asset that couldn't be lost. He would let his own friend die just for the good of the mission."

TJ sighed and went to sit next to him. "That's because you and Colonel Telford are very different." She paused to let her words sink in. "Telford, inasmuch as Dr. Rush is, is very focused on what he needs to do. Focused on the mission, as you would say it. He doesn't let his own principles meddle with that...doesn't let his emotions get the better of him."

She stopped and turned to Rush. "I don't know why that is for Colonel Telford but for Rush, it's because he doesn't want to get hurt again that's why he keeps everyone out...he works and focuses on numbers and science so he won't have the time to feel about anything else."

Young turned to follow her gaze. His first impression of the scientist was a bastard who was too smart for his own good, that he only cared about solving the mysteries of the ninth chevron...but solving that may have been a mean for another goal...who knows?

"Everett," continued TJ who now turned back to him. "You did what you did because you weren't going to willing kill someone important to you to for the sake of the mission. Because you value friendship, you value a lot of other things, trust, loyalty...for Telford that's not as important as finishing the mission."

"That's the thing," began Young. "Should I shift to that mind set? Should I put my own principles aside and focus on what needs to be done? Because that was what needed to be done, especially when they had dialed in and got on board…" He stopped and stood to pace the infirmary. "I had multiple chances of stopping the Alliance take over and I didn't...I failed."

"We're alive," voiced TJ. _For the time being_ , she added to herself. "The ship is back under our control. I don't see that as a failure, Everett."

"But look at the consequences of that," replied Young as he turned back to Rush. "I actually told O'Neill that I thought he was the spy of the Lucian Alliance...because I would have accepted that rather than accept that it was Telford." He stopped and sat back down next to her on the bed. "I want to trust Rush...I really do. But every time an opportunity arises, I chose not to trust him, even after all the times he's saved our asses."

TJ opened her mouth to say something else but she was cut off by someone radioing Young.

"Colonel, do you copy?" came Brody's voice and Young's hand immediately went to his radio.

"What is it?" asked Young.

"Destiny just just shifted all its reserves to one particular system…" began Brody.

"Well room actually," came Eli's voice from the background.

Young turned to TJ, both worried.

"Where?"

"You're not going to like it."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any guesses where Destiny is putting all its power to?
> 
> Note: I love Young. Don't get me wrong. I fly the Rush/Gloria and Rush/Young ship strongly. Eventually they'll be the duo that'll run Destiny together...like the two we saw in Twin Destinies. But right know, their relationship is rocky at best. As for Telford, again I like the character, well my own version of the character anyway. Like I had TJ explain, Telford isn't a guy who would put his friends first before any mission. First opportunity he would sacrifice his own to continue on with had he needed to do. That's the type of guy I see him as.
> 
> On a side note, I've changed the spelling of O'Neill from my file and I'll fix the ones on previous chapters once I've completed the story...which I think we'll run for another 4 chapters. Which leads me to the next question, I have an idea for a new fic...would anyone be interested in an AU where Gloria Rush won her battle against Cancer and was on Icarus with Rush and also found herself stranded in an Ancient ship billion of light years from home?


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, a few more problems come up with Destiny and Rush is finally up and about.

 

"Do we have any idea why the Destiny is shifting all it's power to the chair?" asked Young as he continued to pace inside the Control interface Room where most of the Science Team was looking over different consoles.

"None," came Brody's short reply but he was busy looking over his console to see the glare Young aimed his way.

"Any other explanation would be appreciated Brody," said Camille before Young could snap.

"I don't know what to give you," came Brody's reply as he punched a few more buttons on his console and a schematic of some sort appeared before them. "Look, all we know is that Destiny is running on low power levels already and most of the ship's energy that was supposed to be for the shields and the FTL drive suddenly shifted to a new system: the chair."

Young sighed and got his radio. "Lt. Scott please have a detail on the chair room." He stopped then thought it over. "Better make that the hallway. No one in that room without my consent or knowledge."

"Yes sir," came Scott's quick reply.

"Why are we still in FTL then?" asked Greer to the Science Team when the Colonel was done.

"Because we apparently still have enough energy for other systems," explained Volker. "Or at least the ship still has to spare besides the different things going haywire in her systems."

"We're running on how many then?" asked Young.

"No estimate...but I'm pretty sure we're going to drop out of FTL soon," said Eli but that just made the colonel glare at him.

"Greer," commanded Young without ceasing his glare at Eli. "Just in case, have some men ready at the gateroom."

"Sir!" saluted Greer and left the room just as Telford sighed and ran a tired hand over his face.

"What are the chances that we drop out of FTL into empty space?" asked Telford and the Science Team just turned to each other. "Let me guess, no definite answer?"

"Well no definite answer until Rush wakes up," clarified Eli. "Some of the other systems that use full on Ancient might tell us something, but I'm not really the person who can switch from English to Ancient at a snap."

Young was all but ready to snap but Brody intervened. A headache was already building and he didn't want to listen to a lecture that would be barked at them, "Look Colonel, we're going to try and learn what we can...but if you want a definite answer. You're going to have to wake Rush and fix whatever the Lucian Alliance did to him or we're all going to die."

Everyone in the room, military or Science Team, all turned to Brody in surprise. He was always an easy going guy and sometimes people didn't even take him seriously...especially when he said that he was going to try and bring alcohol to their limited resources on the ship.

Young must have caught something in his expression because he just nodded and left the room. Camille and Telford both followed him out with surprised look on their faces while the Science Team continued to look at Brody.

"Come on," said Brody softly. "We have to figure something out…"

* * *

"What was that about?" asked Camille as she and Telford caught up with Young at the hallway near the Infirmary.

Young didn't reply but did turn around to face the other two. He avoided Telford's eyes and gazed pointedly at Camille.

"You're Human Resources, I'm pretty sure you know what's going inside Brody's head," whispered Young and Telford looked between the two of them until finally Camille sighed.

"What happened to Rush isn't his fault," began Camille. "Neither is it yours."

"That wasn't your opinion a few hours ago," snorted Young.

"I said you should have pulled him out but I didn't say it's your fault that he's like this," argued Camille.

"Hold up," cut off Telford. "Why would Brody blame himself for what's happening to Rush?"

Camille sighed and looked turned to the other man who she all but witness die in one of the rooms in Destiny. "Because Brody was the one responsible for venting the atmosphere out of that room."

Telford's eyes widened with realization and sade nothing more. Camille turned back to Young who was looking at the floor not meeting her gaze.

"Finding someone to blame, blaming yourself or Rush won't do us any good," continued Camille. 'For once maybe you could take a leaf out of Rush's book and just focus on the work and what needs to be done to stay alive."

"What needs to be done is for Rush to be awake and not battling memories of torture so he can solve and fix the problem." replied Young in a low voice.

"Then we find people who can help TJ with that," fired back Camille. "Meanwhile, we're going to help the Science Team try and figure things out with Destiny's system. Wouldn't that be a more productive way to spend what could be our last hours alive instead of looking for someone to blame or wallowing in our own self-pity?"

Camille turned and headed back to the interface room before the two men could even digest her words. Young sighed and shook his head. Brody was already doing as Camille had suggested and just went back to work, already concluding that it would a better use of his time to save their lives instead of blaming himself for what happened.

Why was it easier for Brody than it was for him?

"Everett?"

Young looked up to see Telford a few steps beside him. "Go with her. I'll go see what I can help with at the Infirmary."

Help...that was a start.

* * *

His head felt like it was trampled on by something…

Actually it wasn't just his head.

He felt like he was run over by a truck then trampled by an elephant and then maybe pummeled with a sledgehammer for good measure. Or maybe a jackhammer would be a better comparison?

A pained groaned escaped his lips. Even thinking was an act that could him drag him back down to unconsciousness and an endless sea of pain.

"Dr. Rush?"

Another groaned escaped from him as the room slowly came into focus...the light blinding him suddenly as memories came rushing back.

He was on Destiny. He was on a ship in the middle of nowhere with people who pretty much wanted him dead which was a more possible scenario than living if he had to be honest…

"Dr. Rush? Can you hear me?"

He blinked a few more times before TJ's face finally came into focus on one side of his vision. "Welcome back."

Rush manage to lift his head slightly. Sure enough, he was still on one of the beds in the infirmary despite having memory of already waking up and talking to TJ and Young about-

"It happened again," explained TJ as she helped him sit up. "Why does it look like it hasn't completely passed?"

"I...I don't know," admitted Rush, having no energy to argue or mask what he was feeling right now with any of his usually snark. "I think it's getting worse."

"You think?" said TJ automatically, regretting it instantly and wishing she had better self-control than that. "Sorry. So you're still feeling the effects?"

Rush nodded. "Unlike before when I woke and there was a dull ache either in my chest or my head...this time I feel like I was ran over by no less than a dozen cars, an elephant and whatever else you can think of." He groaned and let his head drop down into his hands.

They weren't real. They were memories...flashbacks of what had happened. But why did they feel real?

"I think the device hotwired your brain or something," explained TJ and Rush's head shot up. Did he ask that out loud?

He was regretting the course of action as the room turned slightly and TJ must have noticed his expression because she gently placed a cup of water in his hands and told him to take calming breaths.

"Easy," she coaxed as Rush slowly drank, hoping that the water stayed down. He had already passed out in front of the woman, he didn't want to add throwing up to the things TJ had seen him do.

"So too much work, boredom and talking with the Colonel are the things you can't do for the time being," began TJ, trying to lighten the mood but only got a snort for a response from the Scientist. "I'd add not eating and sleeping-"

"Technically sleeping relaxes the mind and from what happened the last time, I don't think sleeping will help," argued Rush.

"Well keeping you awake won't do us any good either," fired back TJ, willing herself to not get short with the man. He was the one reliving torture and not her. "I'm sorry. Look, Rush, I'm just trying to figure out a way to help you."

"You can help by leaving me to fix this by myself," said Rush, the usual strength in his voice noticeable absent.

"We've done that," said TJ, shaking her head. "Didn't work."

"It's only been a day or so," said Rush, discarding the now empty cup on the table beside his bed.

"And yet you've have two attacks next to each other," said TJ. "It's not working and we need to find a way to cancel whatever the Pulse has done to your head because we need you to be up to fix-"

"Yes because that's the most important bit and not my well being."

TJ's eyes widened and she was too stunned to even react when Rush jumped off the bed and headed out of the Infirmary without another word.

"Dr. Rush!" she finally shouted after him when she got her bearings. "Wait!"

"Save it Lieutenant," called back Rush without looking back at her.

"That's not what I meant," said TJ, catching up with him. "Please, just stop and hear me out."

"What else is there to say?" said Rush, not meeting her gaze. "I got us into this mess. Serves me right to be reliving my torture because it's the right penance for what I did, getting us all stranded in Destiny."

"That's not what I meant," began TJ.

"Oh it was pretty clear," replied Rush as he made to continue to leave the infirmary but TJ just placed her hands on his shoulders.

"Please-"

"Stop acting like you care Lieutenant," said Rush harshly. "Nobody on this ship ever gave a damn about me because as they have surmised on their own, I don't give a damn about anyone else but myself." He paused to glare at her. "Fixing every problem we're faced with was all because I didn't want to die...not because I give a damn about anyone else on board! I took my name out of that stupid lottery because I knew what was going to happen not because I didn't want anyone to die in my place and that I was bloody terrified!"

He stopped and leaned on one of the beds, energy finally being spent.

TJ was at a loss for words and they just stood there for a while until TJ manage to will herself to stand right next to him, leaning back on the bed.

"I'm sorry," she said after a few more moments of silence.

"Forget it," came the automatic reply.

"No," argued TJ. "You're right. Everyone of us onboard think that you only keep fixing or solving all our problems is because you don't want to die...you haven't really given us the reason to think otherwise."

"I'd love to hear your point TJ," said Rush, his usual tone a relief for TJ.

"But," she emphasized with a small smile. "We shouldn't have judged you so quickly." She paused to look at him. "I shouldn't have."

"It doesn't really matter now does it," sighed Rush, not meeting her gaze.

"It does," replied TJ. "To me, it does. And to your team, to Chloe, I'd wager even to Camille. Just as much as we care about you, Dr. Rush."

Rush nodded finally but still avoided her gaze. That was a start anyway. "So any ideas on how we can stop you from going back to the memories you'd rather just forget?"

"As much as everyone believes I have all the answers," began Rush, finally looking up to look TJ in the eye, a small hint of a smile on his face. "It usually just comes to me unexpectedly and I just try it out."

"Don't let the Colonel hear you say that," said TJ, but the seriousness of the conversation both made them focus. "The problem isn't just avoiding the things that could trigger an episode."

"It's about cancelling it out as well," said Rush. "I agree."

"So what could be strong enough to cancel that recall?" asked TJ. It was meant to be rhetorical but as soon as Rush saw the instruments on one of the tables in the infirmary, they got their answer.

"I think I have an idea."


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, Rush's idea is tested as Destiny faces another problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a lot of this programming things up so I am very sorry if all of this sounds to unreal but I tried to make it sound as sci-fi as possible.

 

"Can I just say," began TJ as they headed to the Control Interface Room. "This has to be the dumbest idea that I have ever been a part of."

"By all means, I am open to suggestion," hissed Rush, although he stopped and took a deep breath. He shouldn't snap at TJ. The woman was just trying to help. "We don't have much of a choice, Lieutenant."

As if to justify his point, the ship lurched in the all too familiar way when they dropped out of FTL.

"TJ," came the start from TJ's radio. "We've dropped out of FTL. I'm in the infirmary, where are you?" asked the colonel as she and Rush found their balance once again.

"Hallway just after the infirmary,' replied TJ to the radio and soon enough the Colonel had caught up with them, just in time to steady Rush who tipped dangerously forward.

"You're up," remarked Young as he got Rush to a somewhat standing position. "Well somewhat."

Rush glared at him. "I'm guessing dropping out of FTL wasn't planned."

"Destiny has been transferring all its energy to one particular system," began Young as they all headed for the Control Interface Room.

"Which system?" asked Rush as he immediately went to an empty console, the Science Team surprised and relieved to see him awake, but not really wishing to answer his question much to Rush's annoyance.

"Which system?" he repeated, rather forcefully this time and the looks they all exchanged just aggravated him even more.

"The chair," replied Young, studying the man who remained focus on his console.

"The gate's not dialing," said Rush. "No planet in range…we can't be drifting towards a star because there's no one in range as well..."

"Didn't you hear-"

"I heard what you said Colonel but it's not like you're going to let me sit in the damn thing so either you say something useful or you let me look at the problem at hand," snapped Rush and TJ was immediately by his side. Rush raised his free hand to stop her.

TJ stopped but still gave him a concerned look. "What did I just say about stressing you out?"

"Either you make sure the Colonel doesn't talk for the next few days or we try out my plan of cancelling it out," said Rush, not even bothering to look at her but focused on the consoles. "Have you tried trying to transfer small amounts of energy back to our systems?"

"Our access before have been shut out," replied Brody. "It's like everything we've done so far has been reset."

"Everything?" asked Rush, looking at him then to Eli, Volker and Park. "The ship went to it's basic programming because of the attack."

"Like how a person uses his primary instincts to survive…" began Eli, getting Rush's point. "But shouldn't everything we've done with the ship still be intact?"

"It's somewhere," replied Rush. "We just can't access them right now-"

"Ahh Dr. Rush," began Eli, raising his hand as though he was in class. Everyone turned to him and Rush quickly made his way to stand next to the young man, looking at the console.

"What?" asked the Colonel.

"I tried doing an overwrite to one of the systems we haven't touched yet," began Eli. "But it's led to a set of programming I've never seen before." He motioned with his hand to the console. "Basically, it's telling me that I can do my overwrite if I access the energy of the ship."

"Meaning someone has to sit in the chair," finished the Colonel for him. "How about working around it?"

"It's going to take some time," said Eli, already regretting his choice of words as the Colonel glared at him.

"Which we don't have time for," replied the Colonel.

"Well besides not sitting in the chair, do you have any plans Colonel?" asked Rush, heading back to his console. "Eli, try finding a way around it while the rest of us try stealing energy from the chair to the FTL drive."

The next few minutes were filled with tense tension, a few reports saying that they couldn't get any energy back to the FTL drive by this or that, Rush's sarcastic and harsh replies, TJ hovering by his side, Eli reporting every five minutes that he hasn't made any headway and the Colonel pacing.

Which was all broken when the temperature in the room suddenly dropped.

"Colonel?" came the voice of Lt. James from Young's radio.

"What is it?" asked Young immediately over the radio.

"Atmosphere was suddenly vented out some of the rooms and hallways," reported James. "Not to mention the noticeable decrease in temperature. Some of the areas are so cold we can see our own breathe as we talk."

Everyone in the interface room looked at each other.

"What's the safest place for everyone to gather?" asked Young to Rush.

"Mess Hall?" offered Eli. "Gateroom is dark without energy and I doubt the Observation Deck is anything but livable right now."

Young turned to Rush who nodded. "James, have everyone move to the mess for the time being as we try to get Destiny's system back online."

Rush plotted all the rooms and hallways where the atmosphere was vented as Young paced once more. "Why would the ship suddenly vent the atmosphere?"

"Same reason why things suddenly grew cold," offered Volker. "Saving power."

"And she's still saving it," said Rush suddenly in alarm as he showed everyone what he had plotted. "Rooms and halls are still being vented atmosphere and with temperature dropping."

"Everett!" came the frantic call.

"What is it David?"

"You know how the doors in the hall all close to stop whatever problem spreading throughout the ship or keep atmosphere intact for the rest?" began David and everyone could hear the urgency in his voice. "Well. we're ushering people to the mess and hall doors are suddenly closing all around us, like we're all being trapped to one location."

"The mess," replied Young as he turned to the Science Team who all scrambled onto their consoles. "Is anyone else not in the mess?"

"The remaining people, besides you and TJ are the Science Team," replied David. "The rest of the remaining people are running."

They could all hear the doors closing, louder each time. "Everett, they're basically following us. I want to hope that it'll stop in the halls."

Young turned to everyone else. Besides TJ, they were all frantically working on their console.

"I can't access whatever this system is," shouted Park.

"There's one in Ancient," said Eli, glancing up Rush who immediately stepped to see Eli's console.

"I've manage to slow it down slightly," said Brody, eyes concentrated on his console. "Eli, try overloading that particular system with anything you can think off."

"To slow down the processing, got it," said Eli, moving to another console.

"Safeguards to the mess hall," shouted Rush and Volker and Park got to work.

Rush was frantically working on the console and cancelled everything out. It was a race against time if you will and a lot of people were going to die if he didn't stop whatever system or program or whatever it is that was happening with Destiny's system.

It was conserving energy, why what for? And why was it suddenly giving most of it to the chair room? Maybe if he could get some away from the chair room and into life support, the ventilation of atmosphere and temperature drop would stop…

That was a big maybe and he didn't even know if he could get any power from the chair room with all the blocks suddenly in place...the whole thing was a-

" _The whole thing's a bloody mess! I may have to start from scratch."_

_Kiva studied him and turned to one of her men who grabbed Olan and started cutting off the other man's oxygen._

_Rush tried to get up but Varro placed a strong hand on his shoulder, keeping him on his chair._

" _No more chances." Kiva began walking towards him._

_No she walked away, this wasn't what had happened...no...There it was again, the device. Kiva was once again standing over him, no-_

Rush gasped and his eyes focused on TJ's concerned face hovering above him. He looked around and found himself on the ground, the Colonel, standing a few feet away from them, everyone else still standing by their consoles but concerned written all over their face.

"Your plan worked," whispered TJ and Rush suddenly looked at his hand, which now had a small shallow cut, held by TJ who had a knife in her other hand.

"Physical pain tethers one to reality as many people have come to realize," grunted Rush as he quickly stood and despite his bleeding palm continued to work on the console.

"Rush," someone began but his mind kept flickering back to the Lucian Alliance ship and Kiva so he dug just made a fist, sinking his fingers to the wound as pain shot up from his arm. It may have been a shallow cut but from experience it was always those that hurt as hell.

"You need to rest," began TJ.

"I rest and everyone in there dies," said Rush as he once again tried to solve the trouble. "Brody!"

"Slowed it as much as we can," said Eli. "It's about ten few more doors away. Maybe the safeguard-"

"Don't be a fool to count on that," hissed Rush. "Try finding a way to stop-" Rush's eyes widened as he realized something. It was a long shot but it could work. The ship was conserving power so it won't really look back and check… "Tell Colonel Telford that we're shutting the lights in the room."

Young studied him but radioed the others. Rush turned to Volker and Park. "Volker, Park, try this."

Rush transferred the data from his console to theirs and both of their eyes widened. "This could work."

"Just get on it." hissed Rush as he went back to trying to get power from the chair as a backup plan.

"What's happening?" asked Young.

"Dr. Rush is having us program that the mess hall has already been used already to decrease power consumption," began Park as Volker focused on their console. "Like telling Destiny that the mess hall has already been vented of atmosphere and dropped temperature."

"You're going to try and fool an ancient ship?" asked Eli.

"It's saving energy right?" began Volker as Park took over the console. "It won't waste power to recheck what it has already done."

"So instead of trying to stop it, we pretend to try and help it," continued Park as she suddenly brightened up. "It's skipped a few parts of the hallway just outside the mess."

"David, you guys ok?"asked Young to his radio.

"We can hear the other doors from a few halls away," began David. "But it's not as loud as though it was just outside the door." He paused. "Temperature is cold but not as cold as it was outside the mess."

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, even Rush as he slumped slightly. That was close-

_He was back on their ship, Dannic, the device and there was nothing but pain and his screams-_

"Dr. Rush!"

" _This will eventually kill you."_

"Rush!"

" _You can make this stop."_

"TJ do it again!"

_He withered away as the device stopped but he was still swimming in a sea of pain-_

Rush gasped as though he broke the surface of the water much to everyone's relief. He manage not to hurt himself further as TJ made a shallow cut, this time on his arm and was slightly bigger.

"You wouldn't come out of it instantly like earlier," began TJ, apologetically. "I had to-"

"Not a problem," mumbled Rush as he only manage to sit up and lean on the nearby wall. "Thank you…"

"I can't keep cutting you to get you out of it," replied TJ weakly.

"It's the only solution we have for the moment," answered Rush weakly. "If you didn't earlier, what would have happened to everyone in the mess."

TJ just looked at him sadly before sighing. "Let's cover that up."

Rush shook his head. "Pain helps me keep it at bay so-"

"And risk that getting infected, no chance," argued TJ. "Punch it against a wall or grasped it with your other hand, that'll send pain right to your brain."

"There has to be another way to deal with that," began Eli. "You can't just-"

"It's a temporary solution until we fix the ship," began Rush, as he surrendered his injured arm to TJ. "I'll find another one once we're in FTL heading for a good energy source and hopefully a planet where there is a possibility of food other than fruits and leaves."

TJ finished covering the cut on his palm and forearm and Rush quickly stood and headed to the console. "Any luck in finding all our workarounds?"

Everyone shook their heads.

"How I wish this was like your ordinary computer with a reset point and everything…" mumbled Eli as he concentrated on his console again. "I do that all the time when-"

He stopped talking when he turned to Rush who was giving him a wide-eyed look. "What did I say?"


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, Rush has yet another idea (the nature of the idea being stupid or not is up for debate) as a person from his past determines his future.

 

"You know when TJ told me of your plan to get you out of your episodes, I thought that was the stupidest plan you've ever had," began Young as he and Rush briskly walked along Destiny's corridors. "But then you come up with this, you're really pilling on the stupid ideas today Rush."

"I'm all ears to any other ideas you might have, Colonel," hissed back Rush as they turned the final corner and the doors to the chair room opened, the room itself giving off a very ominous feeling.

"How sure are you that's it's going to work?" asked Young, his voice softer than before, and Rush didn't know if he should be suspicious or touched that the Colonel seemed to actually care about his wellbeing.

They had decided to have the debate while they walked towards the cause and possibly the solution to all their problems.

"All the power of the ship is being stored in that system," reiterated Rush for the umpteenth time. "Eli discovered a program that basically said he could do an overwrite if he access to the ship's remaining energy, which is again in that room."

"That doesn't answer my question, Rush," fired back Young. "How sure are you that when you sit in that damn thing, you'll be able to restore everything you and the Science Team have done to Destiny, reset the ship's safeguards, plus cancel out the effects of the Pulser in your head?"

"I just know," hissed Rush as he made to go to the chair room but Young grabbed his arm and forced him back slightly.

"That's not good enough," began Young.

"It's not good enough because you don't bloody trust me," fired back Rush, showing his arm away from Young's grip. "Had it been Telford, you'd have agreed and we'd already be inside that room."

"Had it been David, I'd have punched him in the face and dragged him back to the Infirmary and have everyone else come up with a different plan," replied Young. "Just like I'm doing right now, trying to look for another way."

"Oh so why did we waste our time heading to this room then," said Rush, giving him a scathing look. "You're not trying to look for another way. You just want reassurance that I won't harm anyone on this ship because all my plans have never saved anyone's life but my own."

Rush was surprised when Young suddenly grabbed him so that the scientist would face the Colonel. His expression was different...it was nothing like the look he had when they were on the planet and he had left Rush. The expression was different, determined and yet there was still something there…

"I'm trying to look for assurance that I won't lose you once you sit on that damn thing," shouted Young. "Damn it, Rush. Why can't you accept for once that people do actually care about you?"

The sudden show of concern threw Rush off and he didn't have a sarcastic retort prepared. But that was just for a split second as raw fury bubbled up in his head. "Colonel Young, don't even think for a second that I believe you actually care about me."

"Rush-"

"You care about the greater good," continued Rush without a beat. "You're not looking for assurance that I won't be harmed, you're looking for assurance that this act, may it be a sacrifice on my part or not, is done for the greater good."

"I-"

"Well we're out of any other options," cut off Rush before the Colonel could get in another word. "The chair is like the Repository of Knowledge merged with the Control Chairs. It has vast information at the same time able to control most systems of the ship. I use the chair to reset everything that has happened with Destiny's systems since the Alliance went on board, access our reserves and get us moving again while gaining information about the ship, maybe even where the bloody bridge is, and that amount information can cancel out the Pulser's lingering effects."

"Well if you put it that way," began Young sarcastically. "We're not even sure that sitting on the chair will reset Destiny's system and your head."

"We're wasting time-" began Rush, walking towards the chair room again.

"The last time you sat on that thing-"

"I came out perfectly alright," countered Rush.

"That was because of all the modifications you and Brody did," fired back Young. "You sure those are still in effect."

"Maybe, I don't know," said Rush. "But I do know that the chair is our last option. So whether you miraculously order Destiny to give us back access to all her power, then I'm sitting on the damn thing."

"Wait," called Young. "Just wait Rush!"

Rush stopped and turned to glare at him. "Wait for what, Colonel? For all of us to freeze to death? To die of suffocation?"

"For Brody and Eli to get here so I'm not the one staring at the console," said Young as he radioed the two to head to the chair room. "I'm not letting you sit on that thing without insurance."

"I don't think-"

"For my own damn piece of mind," said Young, giving him one look and Rush sighed and reluctantly nodded. "Thank you."

They studied each other for a minute or so and then Young turned on his radio. "Eli, Brody and TJ, please head to the Chair room."

* * *

"Anything?"

Eli wanted to point out that the Colonel had asked the same question just two minutes ago but thought better off it and just let Brody shake his head. Rush had been sitting on the chair for a good 15 minutes now and there was still no change, in either the ship or his vitals.

The transfer of information was steady, and Brody had said that it was at the same level when Rush had first sat on the chair.

Young turned to TJ and the medic also shook her head. "He's heart rate is steady..." Ask someone else who happened to walk into the room and they would think that Rush was simply just sleeping.

"What about the ship?" asked Young turning to Eli.

"Nothing new," began Eli. "And I think that's a good thing. No more of Destiny's sudden power conservation frenzy."

Young just gave him a pointed look. "Any chance of doing some workarounds while the ship is busy with Rush on the chair?"

"I'll try," began Eli. "I mean I'll get on it." Eli corrected at Young's glare.

Silence fell on them as TJ and Brody kept checking Rush's well being while Eli coordinated with Volker and Park with accessing Destiny's systems.

Suddenly the room brightened and the temperature increased to a more comfortable level. Young turned to Eli.

"As much as I'd love to take credit," began Eli, looking over his console. "That wasn't me."

"David, any change in the mess?" asked Young as he radioed Telford.

"It's warmer," reported Telford. "A far better temperature than a few moments ago. Lights are increasing in intensity as well...they were dimmed earlier."

Young turned to TJ who was once again checking Rush's heart rate. "No change."

"Rush is getting more information than before," reported Brody. "But not at any dangerous level that would fry his brain or anything…"

Young frowned. That was necessarily good news.

"Atmosphere is returning to some of the halls and living quarters," said Eli suddenly but frowned. "FTL is still not getting any energy though."

"We'll take anything we can get for now," said Young as he turned back to Rush. He didn't seem to be in pain or under any stress...Young just wished things would finally work for their favor.

* * *

"You should really play more often."

The voice made him stop and he turned to see his wife standing by the door, a bright smile on her face. "That piano has been yearning for someone to use her for quite some time now…"

"I've been busy." he replied as he turned back to the black and white keys. "Well, busy in the sense of getting lost in numbers and equations-"

"And Ancient puzzles?" offered Gloria as she sat down beside Rush on the piano bench. "Music has always felt like a mathematical equation for me…"

"Really?" asked Rush, a small amused smile on his face. "It's more of a sequence in my opinion, you know like in Algebra when-"

"Nick, you do know I was kidding right?" teased Gloria, nudging him with her shoulder.

"Of course," replied Rush as he leaned forward and captured her lips with his. "Just couldn't resist."

"Playing the piano is your stress reliever," began Gloria as they broke apart. "You shouldn't really be thinking about math while you're playing."

"Math helps me relax," argued Rush and Gloria just gave him a look. "It does!"

"And seeing you with your professor attire doesn't warm me all over, Nick," retorted Gloria as she kissed him once again before rising and patting his shoulder with one hand. "Try and take it easy, please?"

"For you, always," replied Rush with a smile. He followed her out the room but just as he was about to turn to head for the kitchen Rush called out to her. "What are you doing anyway?"

"Just clearing my head of unwanted thoughts," began Gloria with a sad smile and Rush's heart clenched. He slowly got up and stood in front of her, taking her hands into his.

"Everything will be alright, Gloria," began Rush, kissing the back of her hands. "The test will say that you're cancer free and all the pain you've endured will all be a thing of the past."

"A thing of the past…" repeated Gloria with a hopeful smile. "Why say that instead of moving on and forgetting?"

"Well the past is a reminder of things that have happened," began Rush, leading her to the couch. "Things that have made us stronger, mistakes we are now wary not to repeat, and experiences that have made us who we are."

"Meaning accept the things that have happened and the things we cannot change," finished Gloria. "Those are wise words, Nick...why can't you follow your own advice?"

Rush frowned but the scene change dramatically and there he was again back in her hospital room, her lying on her deathbed as he watched by her side, helpless as the love of his life was slowly slipping away.

Then it hit him. This wasn't real...none of these was real. He was in some sort of simulation once again. He had sat on the chair aboard Destiny to find a way to fix the ship and to undo whatever it is that lingered when the Pulser was used to torture him.

"Nick…"

This wasn't real. She's dead...has been for years. She wasn't laying on that hospital bed, closing her eyes for the last time…

"Dr. Rush?"

Rush turned to see Gloria's doctor who had a broad smile on his face. No, this wasn't how it had happened…

"She's resting, but she looks to be on the road of recovery-"

"What…" stammered Rush, turning back to Gloria's sleeping form on the bed. "She's…"

"Going to be alright," finished the doctor, patting him on the back. "The worst is over, Dr. Rush. You're wife is going to be alright and you two are going to lead a happy life."

* * *

"This is new," said Brody all of sudden and the others turned to him. "The information transfer...it shifted."

"What does that mean?" asked Young, walking over to look at the console, knowing fully well that he wasn't going to understand anything without Brody explaining.

"Before it was Destiny giving information to Rush...but now it's the other way around. Destiny gaining information from Rush." explained Brody. "Basically before Rush was learning from the ship, now the ship is learning from Rush."

"Why?" asked TJ. "Does it have anything to do with the Pulser?"

"Maybe, I don't know," said Brody. "But Rush did think that the chair will be able to help with that. Maybe that's what's happening, Destiny is looking into whatever the Pulser did to him and is trying to reverse it."

"Mighty big if," said Eli but didn't add to that when the other three glared his way.

"We're getting some power back," argued Brody. 'At least there's that."

"Yeah but we still can't access any system," said Eli. "We're basically just reading the data, no modifying."

Young turned to TJ who just shrugged, answering the silent question. "Physically, he's doing ok. Heart rate's steady, no injuries."

Young sighed, running a tired hand over his face. "Then we wait."

* * *

This wasn't real.

That was a mantra that had been playing over and over again in Rush's head as time flew by. Had been...until Gloria was finally released from the hospital and the mantra was pushed to the back of his mind.

He helped her enter their home and he couldn't help but smile as she took in a deep breath, not swaying where she stood.

"I never thought I'd be able to come back to this place," whispered Gloria, turning to look at him. "I never thought I'd get a second chance to live a life with you."

Rush's mantra broke again for the umpteenth time...he's been forgetting it quite often these days, especially when Gloria had woken up and he found himself conversing with her almost every minute of every day.

Or whatever measure of time there was in here.

Rush still had a grasp of reality...that this wasn't real. That he was still onboard Destiny. But the part about needing to find a way out of the simulation was starting to falter...because why would he?

Outside the simulation he was being bombarded with memories of his torture both of the memory and the pain of it. Outside he had no one, no friends, no family...he was alone.

Here, there was Gloria. She was alive and well...he didn't have the usually daily problems of staying alive. He didn't a Colonel who didn't trust him, colleagues who hated him, people out to kill him.

"Are you alright?"

Her voice broke him out of his thoughts...what was he thinking about anyway? Something about Destiny-

"Nick?"

Rush shook his head, clearing his mind. He turned and offered her a smile. "Sorry about that, what were you saying?"

Gloria offered her a smile. "Just wanted to know what you've been doing since I was in the hospital."

"Oh just working on equations here and there," said Rush as he led her to the living room. "Trying to decipher-"

A flood of images overwhelmed him all of a sudden. The number of 46 screaming at him from each and every image.

Then suddenly he was walking along a dimly lit hallway, walls were some sort of brownish color. Accessing something at the end of the hall, an elevator? His movements were quick and silent as though trying to be as discreet as possible-

"Nick?"

"Trying to decipher the master code," finished Rush as he swallowed the lump in his throat and turned to her, tears already forming on the edge of his eyes. "Why are you doing this?"

Gloria smiled sadly. "Because you asked me to."

* * *

"Ok these levels are far away from being safe," shouted Brody all of a sudden as the information exchanged increased, both to and from Rush. "I don't think I'll be able to moderate it-"

"He's heart rate is through the roof," called TJ all of a sudden and Young was just about to order Brody to get Rush out of the chair when Eli had news of his own.

"We're getting access to more power," shouted Eli, a mix of relief and worry in his voice. "Whatever Rush is doing, it's working."

"He keeps this up, he's going to die," countered TJ. "We need to get him out of there."

"Forcing him out of the chair may just kill him," countered Brody.

"Keeping him might just kill him as well," argued TJ as she turned to Young.

Young clenched his fist and moved to stand right in front of Rush's unconscious form. He placed his hands on the arms of the chair and gazed pointedly at Rush.

"I know you can bloody hear me Rush so you better listen," began Young, his voice low but the strength of his words were there. "You've survived being left alone on a planet by yourself, having a damn alien tracker inside you, hell even torture from the Lucian Alliance. You're way too damn smart to be killed by a damn chair. Don't you dare die on us Rush!"


	10. Chapter 10

"What do you mean I asked you to?" asked Rush and suddenly they were in some sort of- Rush's eyes widened. "This is-"

"The bridge," finished Gloria. "The bridge on board Destiny."

Rush looked around in disbelief...or rather he was trying to look at anything else besides the image of his deceased wife standing right in front of him. This has happened before...when he first say on the chair and he had relived the moment of her death. It had destroyed him during the first time, nearly made him insane the second...he couldn't stand a third instance of saying goodbye…

"You've been trying to figure out how to access most of Destiny's systems...here you can do that," explained the image of his wife as she motioned with her hand to the bridge. "As for the earlier encounter…well I wanted to learn from what you have experienced."

"Learn what exactly?" asked Rush his voice barely above his whisper. He just couldn't look at her...it was too much.

"How to help," replied Gloria and her tone made Rush look up and he as swallowed in her gaze, feeling his heart warm a little because this was Gloria looking at him with concern. Gloria, his wife, who had always worn that look whenever he skipped meals or forgot where his bed was and was found unconscious in his study floor. "Let me help you, Nicholas."

"No, please," began Rush, finding the will to turn his back to her. "Use anyone else, hell I'll take Kiva just please don't-"

"But this is the person you've been seeking," she replied and Rush had to fight with everything he could to stop the tears from falling. "She is the key in curing you of the device's effects."

"She is dead," said Rush, no longer being able to hold back the tears. He turned to look at her, at Gloria and he swallowed. "You are dead and I have no one...I have nothing left, Gloria." He paused and took a breathe. "A part of me died with you...and I don't know if I can-"

"The past is a reminder of things that have happened," she began and Rush looked at her puzzled. "Things that have made us stronger, mistakes we are now wary not to repeat, and experiences that have made us who we are."

She paused and walked over to him, a hand on his cheek, brushing away the tears. "Those were your words earlier, Nicholas. Why can't you follow your own advice?"

"Because you were always my strength, Gloria," confessed Rush, leaning towards her touch, or what he fooled himself to be her touch. "Without you, I'm nothing.."

"Then let her be your strength once again," she replied. "The memory of her, the love you shared...those memories, those experiences are far stronger than anything that the Lucian Alliance device could have planted in your brain-"

"The hurt?" countered Rush. "I'd rather suffer that torture than remember how my heart shattered when you died, Gloria...I'd rather relive Kiva and her taunts than remember that you are no longer here...that I failed you." The last part was barely said as Rush cried out as he remembered that day...the worst day of his life.

He meant it...he'd rather be stuck reliving Kiva's torture than remembering Gloria...because it didn't just bring back the feeling of loss. Remembering Gloria was also remembering how he had failed her, the guilt of not being able to help her, the knowledge that she had deserved better...that she should be the one alive and not him.

"Do you really wish to forget?" she asked, and Rush found himself looking at her, drowning in her eyes like she was really and truly there, helping him in a way that he never could for her. "Is that really what you want?"

"What I want…" began Rush, his voice shaking. "Is for you to be here...for Gloria to be alive."

* * *

When the consoles started coming back to life, Brody and Eli sprang into action.

"We're regaining access to the systems we've had before," declared Eli, working quickly on his console.

"Try getting energy back to the FTL drive and living areas," ordered Young.

"Already on it," said Eli. "Energy for the living area and atmosphere is back to normal levels."

"Try getting energy levels for the shield and FTL drive to normal levels," raised Brody. "Try with the reserves. I'll try getting from the chair."

"But if you interrupt the energy from the Chair wouldn't that put Rush in danger?" asked TJ who was looking over the scientists' vitals.

"Unless I shut it down, no," explained Brody. "The chair uses energy when someone is sitting on it, and even when that happens, it doesn't use that much."

"What?" asked TJ and Young in disbelief.

"Then why shift the power there to begin with?" asked TJ.

"To entice us...or mainly to entice Rush," offered Brody with a shrug.

"Are you telling me that the ship shifted power to the chair because it knew we would have Rush sit on it to get access to the ship's power?" asked Young, giving both Eli and Brody a hard look.

"It's an Ancient old ship with predetermined programming that predates any of us...hell might even pre-date our own planet," said Eli. "I wouldn't put that pass the ship."

"Why?" asked Young, looking back to the man sitting on the chair. "Why force Rush to sit in the chair?"

"Your guess is as good as ours, Colonel," replied Brody. "Especially since the information transfer is still one sided...meaning Destiny is learning from Rush."

* * *

They were seated in the gardens just like Rush and Gloria had done countless times, just watching everything go by...leaning into one another's presence.

Rush didn't know how long they've been sitting there but he could tell it was for a long time now...what was happening to the outside world of the simulation? Was everyone still alive? Did they manage to redirect power to the ship's systems?

"It's not because they used it often," came her voice, startling Rush out of his thoughts.

"I beg your pardon," said Rush, looking at her.

"You don't have to be formal with me, Nicholas," she replied with a smile and Rush couldn't force himself to return the gesture. She still wore Gloria's face and it was still too much for him to bear. When he didn't reply, she continued. "What's happening to you...it's not because Kiva had used the Pulser on you more often than others."

"How do you know?" asked Rush, at least their topic of conversation was slightly a safe area, a topic he could discuss.

"I've been studying the workings of your mind since you sat on the chair," she replied. "Based on your neural pathways, the effect of the Pulser on you is different not because it was used on you too often and you didn't take the time to rest."

"Why then?" asked Rush.

"It's because the Pulser's signal of pain latched onto something...a lingering pain already present," she explained and he didn't like where the conversation was heading. "A lingering pain from a broken heart."

Rush turned away and he heard her sigh...he wasn't even sure if she was breathing or not but maybe the ship was trying to act like a human to get a response from him.

"Please don't-"

"You're not helping yourself, Nicholas," she began. "You know how the solution to this."

"It's hard…" Rush admitted, still not looking at her. Why did it have to take the form of Gloria? Why couldn't be Franklin or anyone else? Why did it have to be her?

"Her memory isn't defined by that last moment, Nicholas" she reasoned. "Or is that the only thing you see? Your time together was nothing more than hurt and-"

"No!" exclaimed Rush, turning to look at her, taking her hands into his. "Don't even think that, Gloria!"

"Then why?" she asked and Rush couldn't believe he had more tears to shed.

"Because like I said," he began. "I died that day as well...I don't know how to live without you Gloria...I'm lost without you."

"But you're not without me," said Gloria, putting one of her hands over his chest. "I'm always with you, Nicholas. I've always been with you." She paused and Rush let himself fall into her arms, swallowing him in a hug as he sobbed. "Let me be your strength once again. Let me save you from this pain."

Rush hugged her tighter as his sobs continued. The pain from his time with the Lucian Alliance...the pay he was reliving for the past few days...they were nothing compared to the pain he had felt when she died...when he would remind himself how he had failed her, how he had lost her…

"I love you, Gloria," whispered Rush between sobs. "I'm so sorry I failed you…"

* * *

The lights in the chair room brightened and both Eli and Brody's eyes widened as they studied their separate consoles.

"It's back," whispered Eli in relief. "Everything we've been doing with the ship, all the systems, the protocols...everything's back!"

TJ and Young both sighed in relief. "David, we've got control of the ship once again."

"Copy that," replied Telford. "I'll be sending everyone back to their rooms."

Let's be cautious first," added Young. "Camille, maybe just let everyone rest after the day we've had...any other activities, use of power or whatever else people do on this ship be put on hold until we've had 24 hours of peace."

"Understood," replied Camille. "I'll meet you there."

Young didn't clarify, he knew what she meant. Young turned to TJ who nodded. "Greer, Scott, report to my location."

"Copy that," came both Scott's voice.

Young turned to the members of the Science Team. "Any chance of just pulling him out?"

"Not if you want him in one piece," replied Brody. "The flow of information shifted to equal distribution a few minutes earlier...Rush learning from the ship and the ship learning from him…"

"And how long until he comes out of it?" asked Young. "The last time was a few hours...is it safe to say it'll be the same this time around?"

"Your guess is as good as ours," said Eli.

"There has to be a way to know what's going on," said Young.

"Other than the physical signs...there's nothing else...well except maybe if the ship suddenly stops and loses power again," said Eli and he regretted his words as everyone glared at him. "Sorry, not the best choice of words."

"Look, Colonel," began Brody. "You're just going to have to trust Rush."

"I trust Rush with keeping the ship running," said Young. "I don't trust him to look after himself. The man would rather work than sleep...he doesn't give a damn about his wellbeing."

He paused and eyed everyone else in the room. "The ship is back and running...do you honestly think he'd work hard to make sure he came out in one piece?" He turned to Brody. "You were there when he got out of bed just after having surgery...just so he could go back to work and fix the ship."

"Colonel," began TJ and this got Young to stop. "This just has us back to what was asked earlier...do you trust Rush?"

Young sighed and turned to the man still sitting on the chair.

"I do," replied Young. "I really do...it's just-"

"We're all worried," said TJ so that he wouldn't have to. "But this is Rush we're talking about." Turning to catch the eye of everyone else in the room. "I don't think, as you've said Colonel, that he'll let a chair of all things kill him."

* * *

They were back on the bridge.

Rush sat on what he concluded was the command chair of the ship and just watched the stars go by as Destiny shifted to FTL.

"I always thought that studying the Ancients was they key," he began, watching the universe go by. "That they were advanced enough to have found a cure for any disease…"

"In the end that was a useless endeavor," he stood and walked over to one of the front consoles, leaning on a pillar. He turned to see the image of his wife sitting in the chair he had just vacated. "Why did you give me the location of the Bridge?"

"You've earned it," she replied. "After everything you've been through..." She paused and eyed him intensely. "But with your new found knowledge of Destiny...that won't be enough to cancel the effects of the Pulser...it needs a far stronger counter. Multitudes of information will always be a grain of salt compared to a powerful memory."

"I know," replied Rush, looking back at the view.

"I think it's time for you to join your crew, Nicholas," she said. "You have your answers...the riddle of the master code and your solution to your pain." She paused and Rush turned to find himself alone. "What you do with that knowledge is up to you."

Rush sighed and just watched the stars going brighter and let himself go…

* * *

Eli wanted to bet that if the ship wasn't made by Ancients, the colonel would have already paced a hole straight through the floor.

So far everything was ok ship wise, power was back, no more sudden cold spots and sudden vented atmosphere. Everything was actually going back to normal...except for the fact that their main expert was still connected to the ship and was maybe still having living nightmares of his torture with the Lucian Alliance.

But, Eli guess, that could be what normal life was living in an Ancient ship travelling the depths of the expanding universe. Each day was an adventure...and frankly that was the norm.

Camille had arrived after making sure everyone else was either sleeping or not causing any trouble. Telford had been with her but had retired when he saw that he couldn't do much and frankly Telford never really cared about Rush and Eli didn't see the purpose of his presence.

Scott and Greer were outside, waiting to help in case Rush needed to be rushed to the infirmary...which was why TJ was stood by the scientist's side ready for anything, because any moment he could either come out of the chair unscathed or worse.

Eli turned to Brody who was focused on the console displaying the transfer of information from Rush and the ship. He'd been still for so long that Eli wanted to ask if he was ok. But before he got any words out, Brody's eyes widened and he was suddenly typing away at his console.

"Brody?" asked Camille, noticing the scientist.

"The transfer stopped," announced Brody. "I don't-"

He was cut off by a sound of a machine winding and they all turned in time to see the chair's temple electrodes disengaged from Rush and scientist slowly blinked his eyes open.

Young was immediately kneeling in front of him. "Rush?"

Rush tried to blink away the disorientation he was feeling and he turned to look at everyone in the room as awareness returned to him. "The ship?"

Young sighed and found himself smiling as he placed a hand on the scientist's shoulder. "Back to normal."

"Or as normal was we can get," added Camille with a relieved smile. "You did it."

"What about the other problem?" asked TJ and Rush turned to her.

"That I don't know...yet," confessed Rush, the strength returning to his voice.

"Well then you'll have no arguments if I keep you in the infirmary for observation," sad TJ, using her best medic voice and glare which did not earn her any objection from the man.

"I'll go along without any arguments," began Rush as he slowly got to his feet. He wobbled and Young had to steady him to prevent the man from collapsing to the floor. He shot Young a grateful look before turning to everyone, even to Scott and Greer who were peering from the door. "I just have to show you something first."

* * *

Young couldn't believe his eyes as soon as the door lifted. The man had done it. He actually did it.

"Don't sound too surprised, Colonel," raised Rush with a cheeky grin and Young glared at him, more annoyed at voicing his thoughts than at the man himself.

"This is so cool," said Eli as he all but jumped into the room, looking over the many consoles and finally settling on the view much like the one seen in the Observation Deck. "You don't suppose we can actually say 'Beam me up' and actually have a working Transporter here."

"I'm not like him," said Greer, motioning to Eli. "But I have to admit, that'll be cool."

Young and Rush watched the others fill in and explore the bridge as they leaned on the railings of the upper floor of the bridge.

"This is like a dimly lit sci-fi set," commented Young and he heard Rush chuckle beside him. "Not that I'm glad you shared this to us…"

"Because I wouldn't have under any circumstances," finished Rush for him. "You're right by the way…"

"Then why did you?" asked Young, finally turning to the scientist.

"Look around Colonel," said Rush, not taking his eyes away from the bridge itself. "What do you see?"

"The way to final take control of the ship," answered Young.

"What else?"

"The universe?" tried Young again and Rush snorted.

"And here I thought you actually had a decent brain-"

"Rush," exasperated Young. "Point?"

"The bridge, like any other bridge of a spaceship depiction in our modern media, is depicted to be manned by not just one person," explained Rush, finally turning to look at him.

"It was designed to be manned by a crew," finished Young with a small smile as he shook his head. "Took you a near death experience with the chair to finally get that?"

"Don't push it, Colonel," said Rush, his usual glare in place and Young had to laugh. If that wasn't a sign that things were finally settling down, he didn't know what will.

"And here I thought we were starting to make progress with each other," said Young, making Rush's glare intensify.

"Just because I'm in a sharing mood doesn't mean-"

"That you'll suddenly be a team player and not be a lot of work?" offered Young. "Wouldn't have you any other way Rush." He paused as he studied the scientist. "Besides, if you suddenly become like that, I would suspect you were replaced with an alien."

"My heart swells with your confidence in knowing me versus an alien" replied Rush sarcastically, earning another laugh from Young.

They lapsed into silence as the others discussed the workings of the bridge...that was until Young turned to him once again. "You ever going to share what you saw in there?"

Rush sighed and kept his gaze forward. "Maybe...one day…"

"One day…" echoed Young. He patted the man on the shoulder. "Get some rest, Rush. You've earned it."

"And then what, colonel?" asked Rush. "Ride into the sunset?"

"Well stars technically," offered Young. "You just keep thinkin', Butch. That's what you're good at."

Rush snorted. "And here I thought we were in trouble."

* * *

Rush was sitting up on the infirmary bed as TJ took one last look at him before retiring herself.

"You seem better," said TJ as she finished checking his pulse.

"Getting there," replied as he suddenly became distant. "I doubt I'll eventually get there but it's a process."

TJ nodded and bid him good night but just as she was about to disappear, Rush called back to her.

"Lieutenant," began Rush. "You can ask."

TJ had to smile as she returned by his bedside, leaning on the opposite bed from his. "What was the cure?"

"Thinking of something else more powerful," replied Rush. "We were wrong about the device...it didn't persist because of how often it was used on me...it's because it latched onto a pain already present."

"You've been experiencing lingering pain already?" asked TJ in concern. "Why didn't you mention-"

"It wasn't physical in a sense...I think you'd understand that better than anyone…"

It was said softly that TJ barely heard the words...but as soon as she did, realisation hit her like a ton of bricks.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that…" began Rush with a sigh, not meeting her gaze. "We tend to try and forget the pain of losing someone we love, only for it to eat us whole...distracting ourselves with work won't help us forget the pain…"

"You only realize that now?" asked TJ with a smile and Rush surprised her by smiling back.

"I know it hurts, Lieutenant," began Rush. "But even if she's dead...she'll always be with you." He paused and finally met her eyes. "She'll always be in your heart."

TJ didn't know if he was referring to her daughter or to his wife or to both of them...his words still rang through and TJ found her hand being held by his as she finally let the tears fall.

The pain will always be there...but the thing was, the people they love and lost will always be there as well. Helping them cope...helping them live.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we have come to the end of this fic. Thank you to everyone who has stuck with it until the end. My first plan was to have two different endings, one complying with canon and the other (as obvious from above) not. Instead if you wish it to be canon compliant, just delete the scene before the end with TJ and Rush and it will follow canon. Just imagine Rush heading to the bridge all by himself like in the episode "Aftermath".
> 
> I'l be pursuing the Gloria Rush is alive story in a few months, after getting more episodes done. I hope you all stay tuned for that. :) Again, thank you to everyone who has stayed until the end. I'm glad you liked this little fic.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always appreciated!


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